why...

is it that sometimes i have to lie to myself to believe the bullshit...that an excuse sounds better than the truth.

and what would the truth be? oh my, what if the truth is so potentially self-incriminating, so self-disgusting that i actually have to look at the deep inner root that keeps blocking me from the REAL truth.

*sigh*

what if i'm afraid. what if i can't let him have it all...what if i live the rest of my life giving it and taking it back, what if i live a life of unsatisfaction and keep searching for the rest of my life. what if i stay in fear for ever. and ever.

what if i think i'm this wretched thing forever, unable to be loved and looked upon...

what if i never believe what they tell me when they say i'm beautiful and loveable and worthy.

what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if.

what if....i never get past what if.

and right now, i'm too afraid to go further, to believe the lies, the pity, the shadow i've cast upon myself.

the self-doubt that lines my soul aches for something real...something like love. yet, it pushes away anything resembling it...it is in constant fear of being ripped out, torn, and shredded to pieces....

The only feelings this soul carries are pain and heartache and yearns for something else.

something satisfactory inside...

And, the experience of self and of others, says it will come...in his time. not mine. but, i'm tired of my heart hurting. now. not in his time.

but, what i do to make it feel better. doesn't. it carries me farther and farther away. to a place of no feelings at all.

and that's even more frightening, like walking into a dark room with my hands out, searching for the light switch and my heart beating a million beats per second...and i can't breathe until my fingertip slides over the plate...but even once the light's on, my heart keeps pounding from the fear. until i believe that the light is going to be staying on...only then does my heart calm and i can breathe.

right now...my heart is still pounding from the fear.

until once again i believe.

*sigh*

F this.

http://joy2meu.com/letting_go.html