i wish i had that switch... the one you have... that turns my love on or off anytime i feel like it that one that allows me to feel nothing for you the way you so suddenly did for me... instead my heart feels all of it... every tear scratch RIP it feels... all of it... and you go on like i never came into your life... like you didn't find me or see my name one day and remember your feelings the middle school crush i gave you... you tricked me with your self-seductive games... the one that said you were mine the one that said i was your one and you keep moving through the day as if none of it ever occurred and i never showed up unexpectedly like god didn't place us in our lives... and pretend like you forgot me.. while my eyes shed you and my soul heals slowly... once again.

in hindsight... it's much simpler than i'm going to allow myself... in my head it was this big play like romeo and juliet... but, middle school...i didn't even know you...why did i think i do now? in the beginning you were so attentive...so sure of sweeping me...and you did... and then it became less important to be there for me... like the times i missed my mom... and i would tell you...hoping you could say something peaceful... nothing... something changed..i don't know if it was me, or you or just the way it was supposed to be... but something changed... and now... my heart is hurting and my soul is crashed... and you go on... like it never happened and i never mattered... like i was a thought that crossed your mind with no understanding no comprehension of what i might mean and i'll pick up my pieces again and when all is said and done i'll be able to look back and be grateful that i'm ok... that i didn't have to spend years on you... though i wanted to spend the rest of me with you i'll always have me.

it hurts more than i care to admit... that i fell... again... but my heart isn't in a rage...that's what's different... just sad... oh, so sad.... like when you have this big dream of what you think you really really really want... and the day comes for it to be true and it falls apart... that kind of sad... but, my heart's good at making band aids... it's good at surviving torment... i think the one day it finds a true soul mate it will be the strange day... the unknown the healed... how sad that i'm used to this pain... this pain of my heart being torn in half... and the fact that i just handed my heart away put it in your hand... to do with as you want... that i trusted you... to cherish it and here i am... again... but, i'm not bitter this time... maybe that's growth... my heart is balled up... like an open wound... afraid again to love again... so i'll retreat make my escape and hope that one day... i'll trust again... love again... live.

belief...

did i really think you were going to come and sweep me off my feet forever? that the words whispered in my ear would ring true forever... that when you said love it meant the same thing my soul yearned for... that your word was something not to be reckoned with... why did i think you would or could be different.. that when you said all the little things my heart heard it meant something... why did i think you could be the one... would my one really cause me pain, and confusion...and disbelief... i'm not sure why i thought you would be something different for me that you could give me what you promised... that i thought i could love you freely without fear of being broken again... so i go back to believing that it never changes that i will always keep finding you over and over and never get a happy ending... how disappointing... how sad... how beautifully broken i am again..