100%

when i wake in the morning...i thank god for another day at a chance to live to my "potential" 100%...i don't always do that, and the days i do, it's not always perfect...but, i know that if i loved myself as much as my god does...my <3 would always be full... when my mom passed away last year, i struggled with knowing if i could go on...but, the reality is, i've had to...i'd been living in la for 10 years, away from my kids...my family and i decided i could do it no longer...so i've moved to seattle, where i only had my sister and beth (in portland) and eventually found kim again. once again, i am struggling with where i should be...my soul yearns to live 100% and not sure if this is the place...but, for now it is and i must live 100%, one day at a time...

i will be careful who i give my heart to next time...

i will not believe the lies that seep out of their mouth... the ones that tell me i'm the one...the ones that make me believe in an unattainable future...the ones that make me feel good...feel hope... i will be careful who i believe...instead of believing the falsities of fellows claiming to know me in another life...as typical of late as it is... i will be careful who i allow to enter into my heart... next time it will be earned instead of just handed over... i will learn a lesson from this instance, just as i have, over and over and over...only a different lesson... i will believe the feeling in my soul, when it tells me to move on, to leave him behind, that no good can come of torturing my own soul to beg for his love... i will believe myself, when my self tells me i'm beautiful and need no justification for loving...me. i will... move on. i will... love again. i will... love anyways.

saving sunday....

god my heart hurts. i've tried to push this pain away so that i never have to feel it again. today i couldn't fight it. and my heart is aching. torn. broken. i've never known pain like this. this feeling of floating with no grounding...no cord holding me steady. i miss her voice. her laugh. her breathing. the feeling of having her right next to me, or in the other room. i'm broken that i can't call one more time to say " i love you mom" that i can't be smothered one more time in the chest of childhood... or brush her hair to make her happy. or eat artichokes with melted butter and movie theater popcorn... or have her tell me she loves me...over and over and over again... i miss you mom. still. always. now.

one day

will i have a day that you don't cross my mind? will i make it one day, just one day that i won't think of you and my heart aches and pleads to have you, and my soul questions what happened. why. why it had to be like this why i had to push why you had to go and why now.... you go on. go on without me and live and breathe ...not me you're breathing but you go on....without this ache. *sigh* how did it come to this? how did we go from making plans in our future.... to whispering instances of love and passion and hope to.... nothing. not even a thought. what happened.

today...

today was the hardest. i thought i was getting stronger. better. and maybe it's not even you. maybe i was just in love with the idea of you. that i thought maybe you could save me from myself? i wanted you. i wanted to become a part of you. and i believed you when you whispered the same. what a fool i must be. to long for those words to become... truth. reality. mine. and now... i'm too afraid to be anything else give anything more love again. i know somewhere...sometime... i will want to love again... i will want to give this heart away... but, right now i just want the ache to subside the pain when i think of you... to lessen... disappear i want to breathe without you creeping into my soul and taking me over... i want today... to be over.

this ache in my soul...

i can't even define it...it's not my usual angsty love lost... it's more of a saddening that i lost my friend.... which is actually worse... and i don't obsess on you i just wonder why you don't miss me or think about me i wonder how i was there everyday and then *poof* nothing *shrug* nothing. *sigh* you made me believe that there are nice guys out there i still believe this i also believe i'm not ready for nice guys as much as i'm not ready for bad boys that this is the time for me to find me again for me to become strong and able and find the strength my god gave me and find my peace i had it once... for awhile anyways *sigh* still... i miss you. and sometimes i get sad that i meant more to you in my own head than i did in yours...

i don't know who i am...

i wander on this journey... wondering if i'll ever find you... the you that finds peace the one that says... *shrug* ok...it's only a setback the one that let's her heart heal before she goes on... i wonder if you'll find her in time... if when you finally find her she'll be good enough for you or will you find that you knew her all along? feels like i've been searching and searching forever maybe i'm searching for the wrong person... maybe it's supposed to be me and not who i'm finding... maybe i'm supposed to find me...

i wish i had that switch... the one you have... that turns my love on or off anytime i feel like it that one that allows me to feel nothing for you the way you so suddenly did for me... instead my heart feels all of it... every tear scratch RIP it feels... all of it... and you go on like i never came into your life... like you didn't find me or see my name one day and remember your feelings the middle school crush i gave you... you tricked me with your self-seductive games... the one that said you were mine the one that said i was your one and you keep moving through the day as if none of it ever occurred and i never showed up unexpectedly like god didn't place us in our lives... and pretend like you forgot me.. while my eyes shed you and my soul heals slowly... once again.

in hindsight... it's much simpler than i'm going to allow myself... in my head it was this big play like romeo and juliet... but, middle school...i didn't even know you...why did i think i do now? in the beginning you were so attentive...so sure of sweeping me...and you did... and then it became less important to be there for me... like the times i missed my mom... and i would tell you...hoping you could say something peaceful... nothing... something changed..i don't know if it was me, or you or just the way it was supposed to be... but something changed... and now... my heart is hurting and my soul is crashed... and you go on... like it never happened and i never mattered... like i was a thought that crossed your mind with no understanding no comprehension of what i might mean and i'll pick up my pieces again and when all is said and done i'll be able to look back and be grateful that i'm ok... that i didn't have to spend years on you... though i wanted to spend the rest of me with you i'll always have me.

it hurts more than i care to admit... that i fell... again... but my heart isn't in a rage...that's what's different... just sad... oh, so sad.... like when you have this big dream of what you think you really really really want... and the day comes for it to be true and it falls apart... that kind of sad... but, my heart's good at making band aids... it's good at surviving torment... i think the one day it finds a true soul mate it will be the strange day... the unknown the healed... how sad that i'm used to this pain... this pain of my heart being torn in half... and the fact that i just handed my heart away put it in your hand... to do with as you want... that i trusted you... to cherish it and here i am... again... but, i'm not bitter this time... maybe that's growth... my heart is balled up... like an open wound... afraid again to love again... so i'll retreat make my escape and hope that one day... i'll trust again... love again... live.

belief...

did i really think you were going to come and sweep me off my feet forever? that the words whispered in my ear would ring true forever... that when you said love it meant the same thing my soul yearned for... that your word was something not to be reckoned with... why did i think you would or could be different.. that when you said all the little things my heart heard it meant something... why did i think you could be the one... would my one really cause me pain, and confusion...and disbelief... i'm not sure why i thought you would be something different for me that you could give me what you promised... that i thought i could love you freely without fear of being broken again... so i go back to believing that it never changes that i will always keep finding you over and over and never get a happy ending... how disappointing... how sad... how beautifully broken i am again..

who are you....

who do you think you are.... to just show up in my life...talking about who you think i am...what you think you want from me...talking about how i look,how i write...talking little lies... who do you think you are... to come into my life...and talk of love and freedom for my soul...talking about me uprooting my life, talking about a life with you...talking about us... who do you think you are... convincing me to give you me, only for you to disrespect and tease with the lies you spew from that soft mouth... you tricked me and i don't know if it's your game... but you let me fall for you... you let me trust you... only to let me down... whoever you are now, is not who you were when you fancied yourself a follower... but, you tricked me into believing i was yours... and you were mine... and now, i'm left in confusion and pain in my heart... that you brought me... that you caused me... and i no longer trust you..and the lies that tumble from your existence... because i don't even know you... and exactly what i'd known would happen.... is happening... that one day, i'd wake to find... that you were only a dream...

when will i learn...

that just because you're charming, doesn't mean i need to be charmed... that just because you look different, doesn't mean you're not the same as the last one... that just because you have beautiful prose, doesn't mean you're a poet.... that just because you look like a sheep, doesn't mean you're not a wolf... when will i learn to not give me away... that it doesn't matter, who you are...i need to stay with the only ones i trust implicitly... i wanted so badly for this to be different....something real...and in the end it's always just the same... false.... and i think i must have done something terrible in my past life, because i keep finding you, over and over... it doesn't even matter the you... just that it's you... except i had hoped this you...would be different... would mean what he said and said what he meant... that when you spewed flawless syllables of love... perhaps it was real... that my heart had found it's mate and would finally fit... where it belonged... and how sadly i was mistaken... sadly... because you're never who you appear to be.... ever.

how do they always know....

before me... my friends.... get red flags before i do... how do i go one week feeling full of love.... to the next full of confusion... how does that happen.... adored to not adored in a matter of seconds... and how do i always find you... will it always be YOU.... the same...but with a different name? why do i keep living this lesson over and over... and than i feel like just a fool... letting it go this long without seeing it for what it is... me giving and not receiving... and i'm used to it...but, i shouldn't be... all i want is for one guy to be about me... not in an obsessive or controlling way... just the way that i am into him... and i wonder every time it ends like this... will i ever find that? and in the meantime, i keep going through the same over and over and i'm tired... i'd rather be alone.

i feel brand new with you...

like i've never loved... how can that be? how can this all feel this new... like i've never given me away like this... a little at a time...piece by piece... like all i want is to know you.. what makes you tick... what you like... what you love... and i want you to love me... to grow to know me.... and love me anyways... and yet... even yesterday... my heart filled with fear... so afraid of what's in store... what if's... what if i give too much... and get hurt... or give too much and don't get loved back.... and the thought of running crossed my mind... like it was a solution to this feeling of love i'm feeling... but, i'm comfortable with you... like i've known you....always... but, i yearn for you...to be with you... to spend my life with you.... even though i have forever.... i want right now... and i feel brand new with you... and this is so much harder than i ever thought it would be... how easy it is to just say come... come to me... be with me... and to want it... but cant... i've never felt this feeling of wanting like i do with you... so far away and wanting you... i've never down this, i've never loved someone i couldn't have now.. somedays... my heart aches for you to the point of pain... a good pain, but still pain... and others i just feel contentment in the knowing that you're here... in my heart... with me.... but i want to be able to look you in the eye you see into my soul what i feel for you... my words... they're superfluous of my thoughts... but, my soul is what carries you... and gets me through.... *sigh* breathing... you... newness....

why is it always so difficult...

or me to write about happiness and love... i never seem to have a problem writing when my heart is ripped out and torn apart... but, give me someone that treats me well and digs me with no expectations and i can't get my head and hands to connect... yet...all day beautiful thoughts and ideas pass my through my head and my heart... yearnings for you...desires...twinklings of beauty.... i know it's in there...and slowly it's showing itself... for the first time it feels safe to write about love... and the calmness it's bringing into my soul... i'm getting right... perhaps that's it... perhaps it's that you soothe me with your gentle words of comfort and security... i'm enjoying being able to express the love as well as the pain though....

the day is coming...

and i'm scared... i'm starting to feel my heart tense and my soul get uneasy... i'm afraid. the day will come and i'll be alone... i woke this morning, sweat-soaked and full of fear... and the realization that you are gone hit me... hit me like a ton of bricks... and the selfishness surrounded me once more... i have so much i want to share with you... so much i want you to know... there's so much happening without you.... and it's not fair... and we go on... and i live my life... and i breathe and i feel pain with every breathe... because you are gone... and you should be here... you weren't supposed to go before i find peace. you're supposed to be here to witness it... you're supposed to be here to wear your mom dress to my wedding...drinking your beer... swaying back and forth... laughing... that enormous laugh you laugh! god, i miss that laugh... i miss you... and lately, you're all i think about...so i think about him more...just to not have to feel the pain... which is so unfair to him... i only want to think good thoughts when it comes to him... innocent thoughts...not contrived because of pain... and i'm falling for him, as you know... and i can see you with you thumbs up and that big smile... because you know he's good....and he adores me...the way... you've been adored... but, i want to share this with you... in person... and i'm scared...what if i can't be who he thinks i am... i keep thinking i'll call you for advice and you'll give me the sarcastic version of what you think i should do... and then you'll cackle or cut into your god words... which i miss more than anything... i close my eyes and all i see is you... who you've been my whole life...and i miss you mom god, i miss you... and i'm scared...will i get though this coming day... with grace and dignity or will i fall apart at the seams... and give it all up... everything that's in store for my future... i so badly just want to hug you one more time... look down at that bed and whisper i love you just once... i want to touch your forehead and wipe the hair away and kiss your cheek, smelling that lingering smell of you... i want to know that you're here with me... no matter what...that you'll always be here... watching... supervising... loving...

lonlieness....

i'm lonely. not the room full of people kind... but the kind that i want adult contact... human touch.... the want to feel you breathe when i'm falling asleep... the know you're thinking of me, without me having to ask... the fingers tangled in yours as we walk through the store... the hand on my ass... loneliness.... the want you loneliness... i've been alone a long time.... in this kind of sense... and i'm lonely... and in the past i would take measures to get of this loneliness, momentarily...even though it always stayed... today, i don't even think of that option... and i'm ok with that.... but, i'm still lonely..... and my heart still hurts a little... waiting for you... in my loneliness... but, knowing you're right around the corner... you and i...

you...me...us...

it's been a minute...since i've wrtiten...since my hearts felt the necessity for words streaming from my soul.... usually i write with pain... but, i haven't felt pain with you...maybe a sense of self-confusion...but that's only self-inflicted and i've been able to reel it in before it gets too out of control!  and here we are.... i'm so excited for my future...that the words are all bundled up and aching to come out...but they only slip out like air escaping from under the door...like a little breeze...slowly, but soooo enticing, just like you put your hand, your fingers over the separation and feeling the air slip through your fingers...just a tease enough to want more... and you leave me wanting more...more of you...more of us... i want you... i want to love you... i want to be with you... i want to spend a night with you and wake in the morning... next to you... wanting you not to slip away... i want to feel you next to me... breathing your breathe... feel the rise and fall of you next to me... on me... i want to wake in the morning... smelling you... feeling the electricity of your fingers engulf my soul.... leaving me teased... for more of you... climbing into the shower.... with you... just knowing you... know me. there was a moment that i was afraid of you... afraid that i would fall in love with you... and that my heart would hurt when you went... i'm not afraid that you're going now... i'm not afraid that our hearts are meshing... for the first time in my life ever... i feel good about being with someone... wanting it to be good...and real and us. the idea of you leaves me striving for more... more of you.. more of me... more of us... and i'm smiling... my heart is smiling... my soul is smiling...

my tortured soul...

god, today is the day... the day my tortured soul leaks into the world.... but, i'm keeping her hidden from you... so afraid to release her into your world... i warned you... so...i just stay away from calling you...even texting you... because she will say things..write things that will make you question all you have come to love... she will accuse you and hold you so tight you'll feel the need to escape... it's better for me to hold her back... especially with my heart breaking today... and she's so unusual and only comes so often that it's probably best for her to hide... how contrary that today instead of hiding under the blanket or calling you and crying these tears that beg me to escape... that i would call a friend and choose to stay busy and not think about all that is running in this head... that instead of wallowing in the pain of loneliness... i would choose to surround myself with love and compassion... that instead of pushing you away...because i so desperately want it to be different with YOU.... WOW how can this be...who am i becoming...why is it YOU i want it to be different with? you do something to me...to my soul...to my being... how can i want to hide this person that only comes out so often and growls at the people that only care... who are you to come into my life unassuming....wanting to know me... to know EVERYTHING about me....and just walk into my life and envelope me in this blanket of safe feeling...you make me think about things i've never welcomed into my life...possibilities that confuse me....i woke this morning... questioning if this is who i am...the me before you or after you...who are you... you've come into my life...i don't even know you and yet, i feel like i've known you my whole life....like i can close my eyes and see into yours, without opening them... like you know me....just know me.... and my head is spinning as i sit here...writing these little secrets of my soul....not knowing if you'll ever even know these things i feel about you...but, know you just know...without the words escaping my lips...because you fit so well into my soul without having to transform...and then i get sad...because i wonder why my god thought i should live without you for so long...why i'll only have the time i will with you...however long or short....instead of being grateful that i get you at all... *sigh* god, i wish my head would just shut up.... i don't want to be too much for you...too much too soon...i don't want you to fall out of infatuation with me, because i've fallen in with you...and a part of me wonders if i'll be able to survive if my heart gets broken...and why do i even go there.... time to reel her back into her secret place of existence.... and wait it out till next month....

you...

i sat in this meeting today.... and as i sat there i became completely aware of where i am in my life... on this jorney i've been trudging for the last almost year... knowing it will never end, and at the same time, knowing it has barely started too... i don't know who you are...or where you came from....my god, i may wake one day and not even like you...or you may realize one day...you don't like me...but, in the meantime, as i'm sitting in this meeting, watching these great little old ladies, completely enjoying their life, i realized that's what i want.... i want you...i want to enjoy you... i thought about the time that i won't have to go ONE day without touching you...smelling you...feeling you in the presence of my life...i know you're there now...i know you are...but i want to be in your presence and i'm not talking like stalker all the time kind...but the kind that i get to kiss you goodbye in the morning and know that you're coming home to me at the end of the day...that i will be excited to see you at the end of the day...that you will be excited to see me... i also sat in this meeting...and somehow felt secure in you...in who you give me...in who i give you...i felt this peace...like i didn't HAVE to be anything other than what you want...i don't have to be prettier, blonder, thinner, funnier, quieter...any of it...i felt this calmness in my soul that i am who you want... god, this probably sounds ridiculous....but, for the first time in my life....i felt enough... *sigh* i felt like, i don't have to play games, there is no games played with me, i don't feel afraid that when you're with me you'll be disappointed or that i'll be with you...that when i finally breathe you, you'll take my breath away, yet fill me too..... i know that my mom sees you, me, us...and i also feel her positive energy at what is happening between us....and if you knew my mom, you'd see the thumbs up, big smile i see....i miss that i can't call her and tell her how excited i am...that i've met this man i somehow knew in another life...that god is bringing us together again, for whatever purpose he has in mind for us....and that for the first time in my life i just feel enough...i don't question any of it...i just am....and it's good....it's a good feeling... i miss that she won't be able to be a part of any of it... of my future with you... inadvertantly she will yes...but not the physical...and i miss her telling me the little treasures she would tell me...like "men are like buses, one shows every ten minutes..." haha or her favorite...i don't need a man....as if she didn't....lol i can still remember when she brought my step dad home...and she fell in love with this man i thought was all wrong...mainly because he wasn't my dad...and later in my life...all i wanted was a man like him in my life...he loved her sooo much...he worshipped her and would've kissed the ground she walked on, yet held his ground in his beliefs...and my mom was a very overpowering woman...but, he was so gentle with her and so good to each other...and that's all i wanted...was to find my equal, opposite...my quiet to my obnoxious....calm to my anxious...adore and be adored... and here i am.... i think i secretly wished for you.... my whole life... even when i told people i didn't believe in love...i hoped you'd come along... you amaze me...that you are all those things i wished for... and you give me hope.... <3

today...

i woke up this morning, with no fear... no fear of today... of tomorrow... of me... of you... only calmness in my heart... i got on my knees and thanked him for today... another day... another chance... i prayed for guidance in all i do... that i stay on his path today and not veer to my own... i prayed for you... for your higher good... that only goodness come to you... for you... i prayed that i don't get in the way of his plan... like i always do... i got up from my knees...still in my pajamas... and went into the bathroom to wash my face... and i looked in the mirror... and i swear for the first time in soooo long... i saw what you see... i looked into my eyes and into my own soul and breathed... and there i was... free and beautiful and hopeful... a mystery, yet, open wide... my heart full of hope... yet, so broken... but healing... i looked at the shape of my eyes... the little gold flecks surrounded by hazel... and could see the light glimmer off them... full of tears.... full of hope... i closed my eyes, but i could see it ALL! even with them closed.... i could see everything inside me... i could hear everything everyone has ever said... that i never believed... and for the first time, i felt belief... and not in an ego way... but, a kind and loving way... and i felt like a queen...

it's almost....

that time... the time my life started over... that i was given new life... that i was deemed worthy to try again... this time, i'm alone... yet, not alone... alive.... and living... i remember on march 21, 2007 all i wanted was to not take another breath... all i wanted was the pain to stop... to be given either darkness or light.... one or the other.... and i was given light... the breathed new life into my soul... held my hand... loved me until i could love me... again.... my god, what a ride the last 2 years have been... and it's just beginning.... and i ask my god, everyday to show me the road he wants me to be on.... because sometimes i veer, i go off on my own... causing me enough pain... to want to be on his path.... get back to him.... know his plan for me... do his will....not mine.... to do my own is always painful...and tedious.... but, i've learned lessons...i've been given experiences... that others may never have to go through... because i did... and i want to live 100%.... from this day forward... not knowing what's in store... but unafraid... and full of faith...

i'm realizing as i write this...

that there is no pain associated with you.... that you are showing me what i deserve... that i feel with you...what i should always feel... that i don't have to be afraid with you... i can't even describe what i'm feeling in any words that could come out coherent... how does that happen...you leave me speechless... and yet, becuase of what my heart and head says... i want to say everything that comes out of my mouth... my head...my heart... but what if it's too much... so i just write it...just to get it out... when the words get trapped in me...it's too much... i don't feel pain today... i don't feel sadness... and i know it's from the work i've done with my god... and my sponsor... and me... that the tears i've released forever... have been cleansing my soul... but, my god... that i don't feel pain today... that i can think of my mother, my kids...my past... and not feel pain settling on my heart... what a relief... and i think you've helped me... you give me permission to release it... not that i need your permission... but, you show me that you love what comes out... and *sigh* you're the only one that gets me... that feels what i feel... hears what i hear... hears what i'm saying... and knows what i know... how is that ... where have you been... forever. and you come along now... and it makes me question me all over again... what it is i think i want... and where i think i want to be... in my life... and maybe... you give me a little freedom... to be me...as a woman... as a person... that i didn't give myself before you... how is it he always puts people in my life when i'm least expecting it... usually in times of need it's a new woman... to remind me of my primary purpose... and this time... it's you... to remind me... of me. it's you... i'm glad it's you...

and here it is....

i'm not sure what it is i'm feeling.... i've felt numbness and pain for so long, that now this feeling inside is a confused feeling... yet, a good feeling... who are you... where did you come from....and why did he want you to come to me now...i'm afraid, but not afraid of you...afraid of me...of the uncertainty i could have for you... what if i love you...what if i want to be with you...what if it makes me question evedrything i think i know...and what if none of that happens... i don't know how to love half way, i don't know how to just be... so i choose to not be.... and i don't want that either... i want to find the middle ground...like knowing is good enough.... but, my heart tells me to go for it... my head tells me to back up... and my body yearns for you...in a way i can't remember it feeling before... in a way that tells me...it will be good... and so...i keep spinning... like top, not sure of where i'll land... i don't want to hang onto my past and make you pay for it... i want an experience that i'll likely learn and love... i want something new and exciting and wanting and different... i want to hear love whispered in my ear... love letters to read... flowers to smell... hands to hold... lips to linger on... i want to know that you're there... even when i can't see you... feel your presence when i'm in the other room... i don't even know you...why do i feel this... why does engaging with you make me feel alive again... like i can live my life over again...it's very nostalgic and fun for me... and exciting and unafraid and new... it all feels new again... and refreshing... and something i want. i want you... and i want to have new experiences with you... and new feelings... or remembrance of feelings. i'm ready...