how do they always know....

before me... my friends.... get red flags before i do... how do i go one week feeling full of love.... to the next full of confusion... how does that happen.... adored to not adored in a matter of seconds... and how do i always find you... will it always be YOU.... the same...but with a different name? why do i keep living this lesson over and over... and than i feel like just a fool... letting it go this long without seeing it for what it is... me giving and not receiving... and i'm used to it...but, i shouldn't be... all i want is for one guy to be about me... not in an obsessive or controlling way... just the way that i am into him... and i wonder every time it ends like this... will i ever find that? and in the meantime, i keep going through the same over and over and i'm tired... i'd rather be alone.

i feel brand new with you...

like i've never loved... how can that be? how can this all feel this new... like i've never given me away like this... a little at a time...piece by piece... like all i want is to know you.. what makes you tick... what you like... what you love... and i want you to love me... to grow to know me.... and love me anyways... and yet... even yesterday... my heart filled with fear... so afraid of what's in store... what if's... what if i give too much... and get hurt... or give too much and don't get loved back.... and the thought of running crossed my mind... like it was a solution to this feeling of love i'm feeling... but, i'm comfortable with you... like i've known you....always... but, i yearn for you...to be with you... to spend my life with you.... even though i have forever.... i want right now... and i feel brand new with you... and this is so much harder than i ever thought it would be... how easy it is to just say come... come to me... be with me... and to want it... but cant... i've never felt this feeling of wanting like i do with you... so far away and wanting you... i've never down this, i've never loved someone i couldn't have now.. somedays... my heart aches for you to the point of pain... a good pain, but still pain... and others i just feel contentment in the knowing that you're here... in my heart... with me.... but i want to be able to look you in the eye you see into my soul what i feel for you... my words... they're superfluous of my thoughts... but, my soul is what carries you... and gets me through.... *sigh* breathing... you... newness....

why is it always so difficult...

or me to write about happiness and love... i never seem to have a problem writing when my heart is ripped out and torn apart... but, give me someone that treats me well and digs me with no expectations and i can't get my head and hands to connect... yet...all day beautiful thoughts and ideas pass my through my head and my heart... yearnings for you...desires...twinklings of beauty.... i know it's in there...and slowly it's showing itself... for the first time it feels safe to write about love... and the calmness it's bringing into my soul... i'm getting right... perhaps that's it... perhaps it's that you soothe me with your gentle words of comfort and security... i'm enjoying being able to express the love as well as the pain though....

the day is coming...

and i'm scared... i'm starting to feel my heart tense and my soul get uneasy... i'm afraid. the day will come and i'll be alone... i woke this morning, sweat-soaked and full of fear... and the realization that you are gone hit me... hit me like a ton of bricks... and the selfishness surrounded me once more... i have so much i want to share with you... so much i want you to know... there's so much happening without you.... and it's not fair... and we go on... and i live my life... and i breathe and i feel pain with every breathe... because you are gone... and you should be here... you weren't supposed to go before i find peace. you're supposed to be here to witness it... you're supposed to be here to wear your mom dress to my wedding...drinking your beer... swaying back and forth... laughing... that enormous laugh you laugh! god, i miss that laugh... i miss you... and lately, you're all i think about...so i think about him more...just to not have to feel the pain... which is so unfair to him... i only want to think good thoughts when it comes to him... innocent thoughts...not contrived because of pain... and i'm falling for him, as you know... and i can see you with you thumbs up and that big smile... because you know he's good....and he adores me...the way... you've been adored... but, i want to share this with you... in person... and i'm scared...what if i can't be who he thinks i am... i keep thinking i'll call you for advice and you'll give me the sarcastic version of what you think i should do... and then you'll cackle or cut into your god words... which i miss more than anything... i close my eyes and all i see is you... who you've been my whole life...and i miss you mom god, i miss you... and i'm scared...will i get though this coming day... with grace and dignity or will i fall apart at the seams... and give it all up... everything that's in store for my future... i so badly just want to hug you one more time... look down at that bed and whisper i love you just once... i want to touch your forehead and wipe the hair away and kiss your cheek, smelling that lingering smell of you... i want to know that you're here with me... no matter what...that you'll always be here... watching... supervising... loving...

lonlieness....

i'm lonely. not the room full of people kind... but the kind that i want adult contact... human touch.... the want to feel you breathe when i'm falling asleep... the know you're thinking of me, without me having to ask... the fingers tangled in yours as we walk through the store... the hand on my ass... loneliness.... the want you loneliness... i've been alone a long time.... in this kind of sense... and i'm lonely... and in the past i would take measures to get of this loneliness, momentarily...even though it always stayed... today, i don't even think of that option... and i'm ok with that.... but, i'm still lonely..... and my heart still hurts a little... waiting for you... in my loneliness... but, knowing you're right around the corner... you and i...