why...

is it that sometimes i have to lie to myself to believe the bullshit...that an excuse sounds better than the truth.

and what would the truth be? oh my, what if the truth is so potentially self-incriminating, so self-disgusting that i actually have to look at the deep inner root that keeps blocking me from the REAL truth.

*sigh*

what if i'm afraid. what if i can't let him have it all...what if i live the rest of my life giving it and taking it back, what if i live a life of unsatisfaction and keep searching for the rest of my life. what if i stay in fear for ever. and ever.

what if i think i'm this wretched thing forever, unable to be loved and looked upon...

what if i never believe what they tell me when they say i'm beautiful and loveable and worthy.

what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if.

what if....i never get past what if.

and right now, i'm too afraid to go further, to believe the lies, the pity, the shadow i've cast upon myself.

the self-doubt that lines my soul aches for something real...something like love. yet, it pushes away anything resembling it...it is in constant fear of being ripped out, torn, and shredded to pieces....

The only feelings this soul carries are pain and heartache and yearns for something else.

something satisfactory inside...

And, the experience of self and of others, says it will come...in his time. not mine. but, i'm tired of my heart hurting. now. not in his time.

but, what i do to make it feel better. doesn't. it carries me farther and farther away. to a place of no feelings at all.

and that's even more frightening, like walking into a dark room with my hands out, searching for the light switch and my heart beating a million beats per second...and i can't breathe until my fingertip slides over the plate...but even once the light's on, my heart keeps pounding from the fear. until i believe that the light is going to be staying on...only then does my heart calm and i can breathe.

right now...my heart is still pounding from the fear.

until once again i believe.

*sigh*

F this.

http://joy2meu.com/letting_go.html

Sonnet XI

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair. Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets. Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps. I hunger for your sleek laugh, your hands the color of a savage harvest, hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails, I want to eat your skin like a whole almond. I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body, the sovereign nose of your arrogant face, I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes, and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight, hunting for you, for your hot heart, like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue. Pablo Neruda

as for....today...

sitting here, checking email, of course myspacin it, about to get off and get the day started with the most beautiful girl in the world....and I hit play to a song that one of my "friends" added to his page... i haven't heard a song in awhile that has affected my soul in this way... listening it, i can feel my mom, i can feel her arms around me, i can feel her chest rise and fall with everybreath, the way she'd stand and rock back and forth on her feet, i can see her smile and clap to the beat...*sigh* and though it makes me sad, profoundly sad, that i don't get to hug her and kiss her and wrap my arms around her...i am comforted by the fact that she is with him...and that she's still loving me and honoring me with her presence in little ways like this... i am reminded of a time when i would sit behind her and brush her hair, rub her shoulders and she'd act like i was the best hair brusher in the world! she would be sooo animated in her love and excitement that i was so special in that moment and felt secure in that.... i've tried really hard these last few weeks to just go on, to try not to feel what is just under the surface, just fighting it. and today, i'm crumbled, broken, cracked. my heart hurts and i miss you. and the confusion is setting in... so, i'll listen to it one more time, wash my face, cry in the shower and go on with my day...i AM blessed that i get to spend the day with the most beautiful girl in the world and give her all the love i have left... thank you for that... http://www.myspace.com/jonforeman #5

here we go...

well! I made it to my destination.... I guess it's been awhile since I've been on here...So much happening... and just haven't felt like i could put the pen to paper for the words dancing in my mind.....*sigh* and here i am... living the dream I wanted...and it feels good. Nothing is quite settled, I'm going to be going back and forth between 3 states in the next 3 months, I can't find a permanent job until January, I have no $, no local friends, nothing "permanent"...but, MY GOD, my soul feels calm and full and....HOME. *sigh* how odd. and I don't feel like I should be anywhere else, or like I need to be in a hurry, or like I need more... for the first time, in so so so long. thank you.

well....

today everyone knows... today's the day that sets my life on a roll... one week from thursday, I will be driving up the coast, exploring my life and the surroundings of strangers all around...on my way...home. how strange to say home. but, i'm ready... i don't know where my path is going to lead me, but i want the journey, i'm ready to seek, and then may find. and i'm bringing my mom. she will ride with me. guiding me on this turn and that, and then we'll see what's next. i'm trying to keep opinions to a minimum, why am i so afraid of what they'll think? why can't i just be happy with my own opinion? trust my own instinct? maybe someday i will.

sometimes....

i wonder if i grew up in the same family i'm living in now. did we ALL grow? or did i just wake up one day and turned into an adult over night? i'm still very childish...for sure...but i want so many "grown up" things... and being here with them again...it's like i know them all over, but, in a different way. and what if i change my mind...tomorrow...what if i don't want to grow up tomorrow... man, i should just stay in today.

coincidence?

if i had any doubts...they were calmed today... sitting in the airport...waiting for my sister to pick me up. this strange man...and because i wanted to be nicer than i actually felt... and he says to me... "some of us just take life for granted. We should be living it." and my soul walked in the door.

walking...in.....FAITH...

she was the first person i saw when i walked into that room.....i knew then that my life was about to change....it's nothing i can explain, just a kind of "faith" and i went along...because it felt right. when i was little i wanted so badly to please her...to do things that would make her proud and love me "more" and she did... i just didn't love me enough to know that SHE loved me.. and when all of those women began to tell me how proud of me she was, how much she loved me...i began to be able to love myself...i know that's weird, but i think that's what started this stirring in my soul...this need to find what i've been looking for.... me. and now, i only want to please You...and do what pleases You and knowing that being of service pleases You, i want to be of maximum service...through LIVING, through KNOWING who i am, or at least finding me... and for the first time in my life...i am not afraid... and it feels strange, and exhilarating, liberating, FREEING... and loving... and though i sought her "approval" or "love" i know now that i had it all along...no matter what i did... no matter how many rooms i walked into and she was there... and i know that she is seeing me now and loving me, more than a mother can love, PLUS infinity... and i am freed by that and my heart is calm and my soul seeking. and He guides me... where i need to be... and now, that familiar feeling of "change" sets upon me again... not knowing what it is, but that it's coming... and i'm not full of fear... because i have that feeling of "faith" and it will all be alright.. and so i go with it... walking with my eyes open, my hands out... and my heart available.

airport.....awakenings....

I look around... wondering where all these people are going... this woman, pulling her suitcase behind her, dragging her life is she running? Or is she moving onto her new life? Did she wake up this morning & make a decision to change? To seek life rather than just keep surviving... Is she afraid? Is she afraid of reactions, contempt, confusion? Or has she found in Him an answer? THE answer... Does she have calmness in her soul? With no fear? Does she make her decision based on fear & selfishness or based on Faith & Selflessness? She walks like a woman with understanding, confidence, fearlessness. purpose.

whew....

I should be doing other things, but I can't get my body motivated. My mind is ready to go...in fact, I can't get it to stop.... Sometimes, I just let it run, thinking if I just follow it a little, it'll quiet...I guess that doens't make any sense...Oh well. I've come to so many decisions and conclusions about who I am and where I want my life to go, just in this short little week.....and i'm not afraid... I've been skimming through all of my old paperwork from home and while doing that, trying to figure out who i used to be, who i've been all along.... how does one not even know who they are? it just seems absurd...i mean i didn't even know what my favorite color was until i was 24, i mean for sure anyways, i could always tell you what color i thought you wanted it to be....and then when i got to know myself, it all changed and i became someone else...weird and again last year, at 31 trying to figure out who i'll be this time... and now, on this journey i sort of call my life...lol so many options.... whew.

wow...

it amazes me everytime... when i'm given some direction and actually take it...how good i can feel in my soul... weird... i've struggled for months...pulling myself this way, no that, wait, maybe over here... and all the while mulling over certain things, that i know in my heart, and of course my head... but not until i'm told, or maybe until i quit holding onto it because i'm so tired of being the deciding factor...to do this or try that...do i actually find some peace... and it's been so so long since my heart hasn't ached... it feels full... with his love and guidance... *sigh*

first...

so i don't even know where to start... i thought it would be so easy to just "do" this.... considering all of the changes in my life...just one more start not going as my head planned, is not surprising..... i just want something different...somewhere i can just put all of this "nonsense" this madness, this "stuff" that wants to escape..usually at 4 in the morning... i suppose i should do it somewhere, like in a journal, where i'm not open to eyes i don't know...but it seems safer this way...less expectations, less judging me...less all of it.... i'm sure my friends would have to dig deep to find this... and i'm not likely to tell my secret (s) hahaha well......here we go...