The madness that is me...

I know that I should be writing more. It clears my soul and helps me to release everything inside.  It's been so long since I've put my thoughts onto something, into a place other than the craziness of my head.  
So much has been constant in the world of mine.  Never a breather.  Oh, a weekend or lazy evening, but, it never seems to be give "give Rachel a break"  Not that I should even be complaining.  I'm content for the first time in so many years.  I'm not struggling to forget someone that tore my heart apart.  I'm missing my mom daily, but not in the double over, powerful way I did not even so long ago.  My son has found some stability and my daughter is walking right into my hands.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I'm working.  I work daily with my most favorite man, my dad, and I'm extremely overwhelmed to be given this honor.  I was shown by a man this year what it meant to be treated right.  As the strong and beautiful woman that I am. And that I should never settle for anything less than that.... and we walked away from our experience both satisfied that neither would be hurt in the end.  We are still friends today.  What a gift.  
Still... some days I focus so heavily on what will be... and I don't mean in just love, I mean in every area of my life.  I can't just be content with "content".  
My soul for the first time in years is not fighting itself.  When I breathe in, I don't breathe fear.  Or sadness.  I breathe hope and excitement of the next journey my God has in store for me.  
If only I could stay in today more often.  
I wanted to feel little pain and cry less tears when I think of my mom - I do.
I wanted to find stability for my mentally ill son - I have.
I wanted to be close to my daughter and be an example to her - I am. Good or bad. 
I wanted to be closer to my dad and build a relationship I'll be satisfied with when he goes, so I can look back and be thoroughly grateful for every minute with him - I am. 
I wanted to be with someone that might teach me another way to love myself.  To be with someone that treated me not just as a sexual woman, but as a woman with grace and dignity and still walk away complete.  - I have. 
All in all, when I truly count my blessings, I worry of nothing important.  I am taken care of in ways that I will never know.  This journey of today.  It teaches me so much every second.  If I'm willing to open my mind and heart to the experience.
♥

Looking back...

As I look back through the posts of my adventures through the last three years, I wonder to myself how I got so far off track, yet always slid back into who my true self is. How did I survive me... How did I make it today in one piece.... Why was it today and not yesterday that I woke up and said 'AHA' this is why I traveled so uncomfortably, fumbling, tumbling and finally surrendering. I don't know why my soul chose today to wake up and point out what it had been trying to subtly tell me all along. That I deserved this moment. This piece of peace. That I had to struggle through every second of the fight, just so I could know what not fighting felt like. And today I am here. In this moment. Experiencing me. God, it feels good to be home.