whew....

I should be doing other things, but I can't get my body motivated. My mind is ready to go...in fact, I can't get it to stop.... Sometimes, I just let it run, thinking if I just follow it a little, it'll quiet...I guess that doens't make any sense...Oh well. I've come to so many decisions and conclusions about who I am and where I want my life to go, just in this short little week.....and i'm not afraid... I've been skimming through all of my old paperwork from home and while doing that, trying to figure out who i used to be, who i've been all along.... how does one not even know who they are? it just seems absurd...i mean i didn't even know what my favorite color was until i was 24, i mean for sure anyways, i could always tell you what color i thought you wanted it to be....and then when i got to know myself, it all changed and i became someone else...weird and again last year, at 31 trying to figure out who i'll be this time... and now, on this journey i sort of call my life...lol so many options.... whew.

wow...

it amazes me everytime... when i'm given some direction and actually take it...how good i can feel in my soul... weird... i've struggled for months...pulling myself this way, no that, wait, maybe over here... and all the while mulling over certain things, that i know in my heart, and of course my head... but not until i'm told, or maybe until i quit holding onto it because i'm so tired of being the deciding factor...to do this or try that...do i actually find some peace... and it's been so so long since my heart hasn't ached... it feels full... with his love and guidance... *sigh*

first...

so i don't even know where to start... i thought it would be so easy to just "do" this.... considering all of the changes in my life...just one more start not going as my head planned, is not surprising..... i just want something different...somewhere i can just put all of this "nonsense" this madness, this "stuff" that wants to escape..usually at 4 in the morning... i suppose i should do it somewhere, like in a journal, where i'm not open to eyes i don't know...but it seems safer this way...less expectations, less judging me...less all of it.... i'm sure my friends would have to dig deep to find this... and i'm not likely to tell my secret (s) hahaha well......here we go...