my tortured soul...

god, today is the day... the day my tortured soul leaks into the world.... but, i'm keeping her hidden from you... so afraid to release her into your world... i warned you... so...i just stay away from calling you...even texting you... because she will say things..write things that will make you question all you have come to love... she will accuse you and hold you so tight you'll feel the need to escape... it's better for me to hold her back... especially with my heart breaking today... and she's so unusual and only comes so often that it's probably best for her to hide... how contrary that today instead of hiding under the blanket or calling you and crying these tears that beg me to escape... that i would call a friend and choose to stay busy and not think about all that is running in this head... that instead of wallowing in the pain of loneliness... i would choose to surround myself with love and compassion... that instead of pushing you away...because i so desperately want it to be different with YOU.... WOW how can this be...who am i becoming...why is it YOU i want it to be different with? you do something to me...to my soul...to my being... how can i want to hide this person that only comes out so often and growls at the people that only care... who are you to come into my life unassuming....wanting to know me... to know EVERYTHING about me....and just walk into my life and envelope me in this blanket of safe feeling...you make me think about things i've never welcomed into my life...possibilities that confuse me....i woke this morning... questioning if this is who i am...the me before you or after you...who are you... you've come into my life...i don't even know you and yet, i feel like i've known you my whole life....like i can close my eyes and see into yours, without opening them... like you know me....just know me.... and my head is spinning as i sit here...writing these little secrets of my soul....not knowing if you'll ever even know these things i feel about you...but, know you just know...without the words escaping my lips...because you fit so well into my soul without having to transform...and then i get sad...because i wonder why my god thought i should live without you for so long...why i'll only have the time i will with you...however long or short....instead of being grateful that i get you at all... *sigh* god, i wish my head would just shut up.... i don't want to be too much for you...too much too soon...i don't want you to fall out of infatuation with me, because i've fallen in with you...and a part of me wonders if i'll be able to survive if my heart gets broken...and why do i even go there.... time to reel her back into her secret place of existence.... and wait it out till next month....

you...

i sat in this meeting today.... and as i sat there i became completely aware of where i am in my life... on this jorney i've been trudging for the last almost year... knowing it will never end, and at the same time, knowing it has barely started too... i don't know who you are...or where you came from....my god, i may wake one day and not even like you...or you may realize one day...you don't like me...but, in the meantime, as i'm sitting in this meeting, watching these great little old ladies, completely enjoying their life, i realized that's what i want.... i want you...i want to enjoy you... i thought about the time that i won't have to go ONE day without touching you...smelling you...feeling you in the presence of my life...i know you're there now...i know you are...but i want to be in your presence and i'm not talking like stalker all the time kind...but the kind that i get to kiss you goodbye in the morning and know that you're coming home to me at the end of the day...that i will be excited to see you at the end of the day...that you will be excited to see me... i also sat in this meeting...and somehow felt secure in you...in who you give me...in who i give you...i felt this peace...like i didn't HAVE to be anything other than what you want...i don't have to be prettier, blonder, thinner, funnier, quieter...any of it...i felt this calmness in my soul that i am who you want... god, this probably sounds ridiculous....but, for the first time in my life....i felt enough... *sigh* i felt like, i don't have to play games, there is no games played with me, i don't feel afraid that when you're with me you'll be disappointed or that i'll be with you...that when i finally breathe you, you'll take my breath away, yet fill me too..... i know that my mom sees you, me, us...and i also feel her positive energy at what is happening between us....and if you knew my mom, you'd see the thumbs up, big smile i see....i miss that i can't call her and tell her how excited i am...that i've met this man i somehow knew in another life...that god is bringing us together again, for whatever purpose he has in mind for us....and that for the first time in my life i just feel enough...i don't question any of it...i just am....and it's good....it's a good feeling... i miss that she won't be able to be a part of any of it... of my future with you... inadvertantly she will yes...but not the physical...and i miss her telling me the little treasures she would tell me...like "men are like buses, one shows every ten minutes..." haha or her favorite...i don't need a man....as if she didn't....lol i can still remember when she brought my step dad home...and she fell in love with this man i thought was all wrong...mainly because he wasn't my dad...and later in my life...all i wanted was a man like him in my life...he loved her sooo much...he worshipped her and would've kissed the ground she walked on, yet held his ground in his beliefs...and my mom was a very overpowering woman...but, he was so gentle with her and so good to each other...and that's all i wanted...was to find my equal, opposite...my quiet to my obnoxious....calm to my anxious...adore and be adored... and here i am.... i think i secretly wished for you.... my whole life... even when i told people i didn't believe in love...i hoped you'd come along... you amaze me...that you are all those things i wished for... and you give me hope.... <3