today...

i woke up this morning, with no fear... no fear of today... of tomorrow... of me... of you... only calmness in my heart... i got on my knees and thanked him for today... another day... another chance... i prayed for guidance in all i do... that i stay on his path today and not veer to my own... i prayed for you... for your higher good... that only goodness come to you... for you... i prayed that i don't get in the way of his plan... like i always do... i got up from my knees...still in my pajamas... and went into the bathroom to wash my face... and i looked in the mirror... and i swear for the first time in soooo long... i saw what you see... i looked into my eyes and into my own soul and breathed... and there i was... free and beautiful and hopeful... a mystery, yet, open wide... my heart full of hope... yet, so broken... but healing... i looked at the shape of my eyes... the little gold flecks surrounded by hazel... and could see the light glimmer off them... full of tears.... full of hope... i closed my eyes, but i could see it ALL! even with them closed.... i could see everything inside me... i could hear everything everyone has ever said... that i never believed... and for the first time, i felt belief... and not in an ego way... but, a kind and loving way... and i felt like a queen...

it's almost....

that time... the time my life started over... that i was given new life... that i was deemed worthy to try again... this time, i'm alone... yet, not alone... alive.... and living... i remember on march 21, 2007 all i wanted was to not take another breath... all i wanted was the pain to stop... to be given either darkness or light.... one or the other.... and i was given light... the breathed new life into my soul... held my hand... loved me until i could love me... again.... my god, what a ride the last 2 years have been... and it's just beginning.... and i ask my god, everyday to show me the road he wants me to be on.... because sometimes i veer, i go off on my own... causing me enough pain... to want to be on his path.... get back to him.... know his plan for me... do his will....not mine.... to do my own is always painful...and tedious.... but, i've learned lessons...i've been given experiences... that others may never have to go through... because i did... and i want to live 100%.... from this day forward... not knowing what's in store... but unafraid... and full of faith...

i'm realizing as i write this...

that there is no pain associated with you.... that you are showing me what i deserve... that i feel with you...what i should always feel... that i don't have to be afraid with you... i can't even describe what i'm feeling in any words that could come out coherent... how does that happen...you leave me speechless... and yet, becuase of what my heart and head says... i want to say everything that comes out of my mouth... my head...my heart... but what if it's too much... so i just write it...just to get it out... when the words get trapped in me...it's too much... i don't feel pain today... i don't feel sadness... and i know it's from the work i've done with my god... and my sponsor... and me... that the tears i've released forever... have been cleansing my soul... but, my god... that i don't feel pain today... that i can think of my mother, my kids...my past... and not feel pain settling on my heart... what a relief... and i think you've helped me... you give me permission to release it... not that i need your permission... but, you show me that you love what comes out... and *sigh* you're the only one that gets me... that feels what i feel... hears what i hear... hears what i'm saying... and knows what i know... how is that ... where have you been... forever. and you come along now... and it makes me question me all over again... what it is i think i want... and where i think i want to be... in my life... and maybe... you give me a little freedom... to be me...as a woman... as a person... that i didn't give myself before you... how is it he always puts people in my life when i'm least expecting it... usually in times of need it's a new woman... to remind me of my primary purpose... and this time... it's you... to remind me... of me. it's you... i'm glad it's you...

and here it is....

i'm not sure what it is i'm feeling.... i've felt numbness and pain for so long, that now this feeling inside is a confused feeling... yet, a good feeling... who are you... where did you come from....and why did he want you to come to me now...i'm afraid, but not afraid of you...afraid of me...of the uncertainty i could have for you... what if i love you...what if i want to be with you...what if it makes me question evedrything i think i know...and what if none of that happens... i don't know how to love half way, i don't know how to just be... so i choose to not be.... and i don't want that either... i want to find the middle ground...like knowing is good enough.... but, my heart tells me to go for it... my head tells me to back up... and my body yearns for you...in a way i can't remember it feeling before... in a way that tells me...it will be good... and so...i keep spinning... like top, not sure of where i'll land... i don't want to hang onto my past and make you pay for it... i want an experience that i'll likely learn and love... i want something new and exciting and wanting and different... i want to hear love whispered in my ear... love letters to read... flowers to smell... hands to hold... lips to linger on... i want to know that you're there... even when i can't see you... feel your presence when i'm in the other room... i don't even know you...why do i feel this... why does engaging with you make me feel alive again... like i can live my life over again...it's very nostalgic and fun for me... and exciting and unafraid and new... it all feels new again... and refreshing... and something i want. i want you... and i want to have new experiences with you... and new feelings... or remembrance of feelings. i'm ready...