are these really mine?

There are some moments I close my eyes, and imagine that I didn't live the life I've just passed through, the one I'm living, the one I'm getting by in. I imagine it's a TV show, or maybe a real life tragedy, just one that someone else has gone through. The ebbs and the flows of this life I imagine are lived by someone with more strength than I, someone with more peace. I imagine a queen, fighting disaster along the way, with pride and confidence and the ability to walk through courageously. I imagine a man, so full of peace, the little things haven't squashed this mans soul, that he carries serenity like the wafting of a musky oil, sensual and familiar. I imagine a child, so innocent, so free, so *sigh*. But, I can't ever imagine me. I can't see me living this life I open my eyes to. I can't imagine that I've walked through it, though my head may not have been held high majority, if only for portions. I can't imagine that to this day, I've survived to tell the truth. My only truth. The truth I can only imagine.

little pieces of me...

I don't know where to start. As usual, for you, I'm at a loss for words. How do I say I'm sorry to you, without actually saying I'm sorry, and stopping the behavior that I've only known when it comes to you? How do I show you how much I truly love you and want you to have everything you deserve and so should enjoy? How do I treat you with respect and expect others to do the same when I just don't know how, when it feels so wrong to feel right.... How do I learn to love you, truly love you as though I've never loved anyone more importantly, when you've always come second, or even last sometimes..... How do I get back to what I'm supposed to know, inherently know.... How do I go from nothing to fullness and give you my all, my commitment, my life! How did I ever let go of loving you? How?

pieces of my soul...

Why is I think I deserve less than the next girl? Would I allow someone to treat my own daughter this way? No. Why have I given up my standards for his own enjoyment... Letting go sounds so simple and I have done it over and over and yet, I always fall prey to my own belief that if I just push a little more, give a little bit more of myself, let go of... me... that he'll see how great it can be. What a fool! If one of my friends did this over and over to herself, I'd reprimand and criticize! "what a fool you are, woman!" Then why, why, why do I do it to myself. Allow me to give pieces of my soul away... a little bit at a time. What am I so afraid of? That he won't come back? That he won't like me? That I may miss "the one"? And in reality, I know that if I'm not fully able to love myself, I can't love "him". I'm not stupid, I just struggle in this area so badly that I feel hopeless at times and don't know how to fix it. What a great distraction the "he's" are for me, from finding out who and what I really need. What and who I really am. I live from day to day, wondering if this is the day I will find myself. Find the me that lives freely in EVERY area of my life. Does anyone?

emotion...

God it feels good to feel again. It seems like my heart has been numb, frozen, burnt for so long that even the ache of pain, or the swelling of happiness wasn't even able... But, yesterday, I awoke with a drizzle of emotions. I can't even tell you what it was I was feeling. It just felt so damn good to finally feel again! It's been so long since I was able to put into words what floats around this mind of mine. Sometimes, I would wonder if I was going crazy. Only because words have been my outlet for so long, my release, my friend. And, it's been months. Months since my fingers have been able to press each button so lightly and my heart pours out as I type. Sometimes breathing is just easier. Getting through to the next moment is all I can do. How long can I put off what's going on along the path from my mind to my heart and from my soul to my fingers. How long can I deny myself the release? How long must I go on pretending like I am only solitaire. I don't know what's been blocking me. Maybe just denial... Maybe it's gods little way of saying find pain so you can find peace. Maybe it's my way of saying I'm going to run the show for a few minutes, until the pain is so unbearable that I just can't survive without you... can't live without you... can't even move without you. All of a sudden I'm this rush of emotions, tragedies, dramas. Will I accept them and do the next indicated thing or will I run amuck with them and live with intensity and destruction. I only want to do the right thing.