sometimes....

i wonder if i grew up in the same family i'm living in now. did we ALL grow? or did i just wake up one day and turned into an adult over night? i'm still very childish...for sure...but i want so many "grown up" things... and being here with them again...it's like i know them all over, but, in a different way. and what if i change my mind...tomorrow...what if i don't want to grow up tomorrow... man, i should just stay in today.

coincidence?

if i had any doubts...they were calmed today... sitting in the airport...waiting for my sister to pick me up. this strange man...and because i wanted to be nicer than i actually felt... and he says to me... "some of us just take life for granted. We should be living it." and my soul walked in the door.

walking...in.....FAITH...

she was the first person i saw when i walked into that room.....i knew then that my life was about to change....it's nothing i can explain, just a kind of "faith" and i went along...because it felt right. when i was little i wanted so badly to please her...to do things that would make her proud and love me "more" and she did... i just didn't love me enough to know that SHE loved me.. and when all of those women began to tell me how proud of me she was, how much she loved me...i began to be able to love myself...i know that's weird, but i think that's what started this stirring in my soul...this need to find what i've been looking for.... me. and now, i only want to please You...and do what pleases You and knowing that being of service pleases You, i want to be of maximum service...through LIVING, through KNOWING who i am, or at least finding me... and for the first time in my life...i am not afraid... and it feels strange, and exhilarating, liberating, FREEING... and loving... and though i sought her "approval" or "love" i know now that i had it all along...no matter what i did... no matter how many rooms i walked into and she was there... and i know that she is seeing me now and loving me, more than a mother can love, PLUS infinity... and i am freed by that and my heart is calm and my soul seeking. and He guides me... where i need to be... and now, that familiar feeling of "change" sets upon me again... not knowing what it is, but that it's coming... and i'm not full of fear... because i have that feeling of "faith" and it will all be alright.. and so i go with it... walking with my eyes open, my hands out... and my heart available.

airport.....awakenings....

I look around... wondering where all these people are going... this woman, pulling her suitcase behind her, dragging her life is she running? Or is she moving onto her new life? Did she wake up this morning & make a decision to change? To seek life rather than just keep surviving... Is she afraid? Is she afraid of reactions, contempt, confusion? Or has she found in Him an answer? THE answer... Does she have calmness in her soul? With no fear? Does she make her decision based on fear & selfishness or based on Faith & Selflessness? She walks like a woman with understanding, confidence, fearlessness. purpose.