god my heart hurts. i've tried to push this pain away so that i never have to feel it again. today i couldn't fight it. and my heart is aching. torn. broken. i've never known pain like this. this feeling of floating with no grounding...no cord holding me steady. i miss her voice. her laugh. her breathing. the feeling of having her right next to me, or in the other room. i'm broken that i can't call one more time to say " i love you mom" that i can't be smothered one more time in the chest of childhood... or brush her hair to make her happy. or eat artichokes with melted butter and movie theater popcorn... or have her tell me she loves me...over and over and over again... i miss you mom. still. always. now.
Friday, May 29, 2009
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I lost my mom very unexpextedly the last day of January this year. I really do know exactly what you are feeling. I thought I had so much time still. She was only 60! It is probably the first time I cried since I was a little kid. She was mentally handicapped and lived in a group home and I would get her at least once a month, maybe more, espescially around the holidays. And when Good Friday, Easter, Mothers Day and Memorial Day hit, each time I caught myself thinking, "I need to go get mom" before I remembered and choked up. She had the mentality of about a 7 year old and we LOVED cartoons. It is still almost all I will watch. Everytime I am watching certain ones I find myself remembering how much she liked that one, and how she laughed. Your blog was awesome. I think my moms Eulogy is on my Facebook somewhere under notes. I never thought I would be writing it this soon.
Clarence
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