10 years.

  Its been 10 years.  10 years of joys, marriage, rebuilt relationships, children. 10 of pain, destruction, sobriety, self-sabotage, daily reprieve, daily death of my soul. 

Until finally, exactly 10 years later I found myself in the same place on a very different journey on the death of my parent. I knew the death of my father would be a very different, difficult exploration of my soul but I never imagined it would be the ride it has been.  I have spent the last 2.10 years on the rollercoaster, submerged in a shadow of my former self, under the spell of self-delusion, self-destruction, SELFISHNESS and escape, just so i wouldn't have to face the reality.  He's gone. 

It took me 6 months to even say the "d" word. It took my stepmom to "remind" me that he was GULP dead and would not be coming back. And everyday since February 10th 2018 I have been so angry at myself for leaving that hospital, letting go of his hand, not saying goodbye, not saying i love you dad just one more time.  I have numbed him from my brain from my soul from my heart every damn day ever since.  And i have not been the same. 

There were slivers of sobriety, particularly after mental breakdowns in the years, where I would let his spirit enter my soul.  But soon the remembering would prove to be too much for this overloaded mind and i couldn't hang onto it for long. It was so much saner being...insane. so he wouldn't come to me. Instead i would imagine how angry he was with me, how angry my god was with me. And my heart would be dark and bleak and i would scream but inside and it would hurt and my soul would seep out of my chest and i would continue to numb.  It was all i knew. All i could do. I just didn't want to feel.  Its so overwhelming. So painful.  Like I've never felt. Ever. And i thought being a teenager was painful. Nothing like this.

Again, the differences in the journeys have been so different.  When mom died...i already had such a close connection with my god...i relied so deeply on his to get me through it and he walked me through the pain, holding my hand and holding me in his, A LOT of the time. But in this, i was SO angry.  I wasn't ready.  I wasn't ready to say goodbye.  I wanted my dad.  Forever.  Even now. As i think of him, the tears flow and its been so long since ive even allowed them to that its so unfamiliar and strange.  Ive not allowed myself to even think about him for so long that even that too is unfamiliar.  

I don't know what's next.  I don't know if its even important to know. Is it? I just know my head is clear enough to start the process of feeling again.  I think thats the first step right? And that im even willing to want to? And im not angry with god anymore and i KNOW he will always carry me and he wasn't angry with me even though i was so mad at him. He never left me. He never will. He never has. He NEVER has. 

Everyday is getting better.  I hate myself a little less than yesterday. Thats an improvement, yes? I think so. I had a little more energy to get up with my kid on time to do school with him. Myself.  That's an improvement, yes? I think so. Everyday, I'm stronger.  Im facing more. Not just of how much I've fucked up, so many things over the last 2.10 years but of how much I've denied, ignored, numbed and self-sabotaged.  I dont know what tomorrow will bring.  Shit. I dont know what 10 minutes will bring.  But...in this moment...i am grateful for the clarity, even the sad, guilt ridden, depressing clarity of it all. It is all I have in this moment.  <3