10 years.

  Its been 10 years.  10 years of joys, marriage, rebuilt relationships, children. 10 of pain, destruction, sobriety, self-sabotage, daily reprieve, daily death of my soul. 

Until finally, exactly 10 years later I found myself in the same place on a very different journey on the death of my parent. I knew the death of my father would be a very different, difficult exploration of my soul but I never imagined it would be the ride it has been.  I have spent the last 2.10 years on the rollercoaster, submerged in a shadow of my former self, under the spell of self-delusion, self-destruction, SELFISHNESS and escape, just so i wouldn't have to face the reality.  He's gone. 

It took me 6 months to even say the "d" word. It took my stepmom to "remind" me that he was GULP dead and would not be coming back. And everyday since February 10th 2018 I have been so angry at myself for leaving that hospital, letting go of his hand, not saying goodbye, not saying i love you dad just one more time.  I have numbed him from my brain from my soul from my heart every damn day ever since.  And i have not been the same. 

There were slivers of sobriety, particularly after mental breakdowns in the years, where I would let his spirit enter my soul.  But soon the remembering would prove to be too much for this overloaded mind and i couldn't hang onto it for long. It was so much saner being...insane. so he wouldn't come to me. Instead i would imagine how angry he was with me, how angry my god was with me. And my heart would be dark and bleak and i would scream but inside and it would hurt and my soul would seep out of my chest and i would continue to numb.  It was all i knew. All i could do. I just didn't want to feel.  Its so overwhelming. So painful.  Like I've never felt. Ever. And i thought being a teenager was painful. Nothing like this.

Again, the differences in the journeys have been so different.  When mom died...i already had such a close connection with my god...i relied so deeply on his to get me through it and he walked me through the pain, holding my hand and holding me in his, A LOT of the time. But in this, i was SO angry.  I wasn't ready.  I wasn't ready to say goodbye.  I wanted my dad.  Forever.  Even now. As i think of him, the tears flow and its been so long since ive even allowed them to that its so unfamiliar and strange.  Ive not allowed myself to even think about him for so long that even that too is unfamiliar.  

I don't know what's next.  I don't know if its even important to know. Is it? I just know my head is clear enough to start the process of feeling again.  I think thats the first step right? And that im even willing to want to? And im not angry with god anymore and i KNOW he will always carry me and he wasn't angry with me even though i was so mad at him. He never left me. He never will. He never has. He NEVER has. 

Everyday is getting better.  I hate myself a little less than yesterday. Thats an improvement, yes? I think so. I had a little more energy to get up with my kid on time to do school with him. Myself.  That's an improvement, yes? I think so. Everyday, I'm stronger.  Im facing more. Not just of how much I've fucked up, so many things over the last 2.10 years but of how much I've denied, ignored, numbed and self-sabotaged.  I dont know what tomorrow will bring.  Shit. I dont know what 10 minutes will bring.  But...in this moment...i am grateful for the clarity, even the sad, guilt ridden, depressing clarity of it all. It is all I have in this moment.  <3

The madness that is me...

I know that I should be writing more. It clears my soul and helps me to release everything inside.  It's been so long since I've put my thoughts onto something, into a place other than the craziness of my head.  
So much has been constant in the world of mine.  Never a breather.  Oh, a weekend or lazy evening, but, it never seems to be give "give Rachel a break"  Not that I should even be complaining.  I'm content for the first time in so many years.  I'm not struggling to forget someone that tore my heart apart.  I'm missing my mom daily, but not in the double over, powerful way I did not even so long ago.  My son has found some stability and my daughter is walking right into my hands.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I'm working.  I work daily with my most favorite man, my dad, and I'm extremely overwhelmed to be given this honor.  I was shown by a man this year what it meant to be treated right.  As the strong and beautiful woman that I am. And that I should never settle for anything less than that.... and we walked away from our experience both satisfied that neither would be hurt in the end.  We are still friends today.  What a gift.  
Still... some days I focus so heavily on what will be... and I don't mean in just love, I mean in every area of my life.  I can't just be content with "content".  
My soul for the first time in years is not fighting itself.  When I breathe in, I don't breathe fear.  Or sadness.  I breathe hope and excitement of the next journey my God has in store for me.  
If only I could stay in today more often.  
I wanted to feel little pain and cry less tears when I think of my mom - I do.
I wanted to find stability for my mentally ill son - I have.
I wanted to be close to my daughter and be an example to her - I am. Good or bad. 
I wanted to be closer to my dad and build a relationship I'll be satisfied with when he goes, so I can look back and be thoroughly grateful for every minute with him - I am. 
I wanted to be with someone that might teach me another way to love myself.  To be with someone that treated me not just as a sexual woman, but as a woman with grace and dignity and still walk away complete.  - I have. 
All in all, when I truly count my blessings, I worry of nothing important.  I am taken care of in ways that I will never know.  This journey of today.  It teaches me so much every second.  If I'm willing to open my mind and heart to the experience.
♥

Looking back...

As I look back through the posts of my adventures through the last three years, I wonder to myself how I got so far off track, yet always slid back into who my true self is. How did I survive me... How did I make it today in one piece.... Why was it today and not yesterday that I woke up and said 'AHA' this is why I traveled so uncomfortably, fumbling, tumbling and finally surrendering. I don't know why my soul chose today to wake up and point out what it had been trying to subtly tell me all along. That I deserved this moment. This piece of peace. That I had to struggle through every second of the fight, just so I could know what not fighting felt like. And today I am here. In this moment. Experiencing me. God, it feels good to be home.

are these really mine?

There are some moments I close my eyes, and imagine that I didn't live the life I've just passed through, the one I'm living, the one I'm getting by in. I imagine it's a TV show, or maybe a real life tragedy, just one that someone else has gone through. The ebbs and the flows of this life I imagine are lived by someone with more strength than I, someone with more peace. I imagine a queen, fighting disaster along the way, with pride and confidence and the ability to walk through courageously. I imagine a man, so full of peace, the little things haven't squashed this mans soul, that he carries serenity like the wafting of a musky oil, sensual and familiar. I imagine a child, so innocent, so free, so *sigh*. But, I can't ever imagine me. I can't see me living this life I open my eyes to. I can't imagine that I've walked through it, though my head may not have been held high majority, if only for portions. I can't imagine that to this day, I've survived to tell the truth. My only truth. The truth I can only imagine.

little pieces of me...

I don't know where to start. As usual, for you, I'm at a loss for words. How do I say I'm sorry to you, without actually saying I'm sorry, and stopping the behavior that I've only known when it comes to you? How do I show you how much I truly love you and want you to have everything you deserve and so should enjoy? How do I treat you with respect and expect others to do the same when I just don't know how, when it feels so wrong to feel right.... How do I learn to love you, truly love you as though I've never loved anyone more importantly, when you've always come second, or even last sometimes..... How do I get back to what I'm supposed to know, inherently know.... How do I go from nothing to fullness and give you my all, my commitment, my life! How did I ever let go of loving you? How?

pieces of my soul...

Why is I think I deserve less than the next girl? Would I allow someone to treat my own daughter this way? No. Why have I given up my standards for his own enjoyment... Letting go sounds so simple and I have done it over and over and yet, I always fall prey to my own belief that if I just push a little more, give a little bit more of myself, let go of... me... that he'll see how great it can be. What a fool! If one of my friends did this over and over to herself, I'd reprimand and criticize! "what a fool you are, woman!" Then why, why, why do I do it to myself. Allow me to give pieces of my soul away... a little bit at a time. What am I so afraid of? That he won't come back? That he won't like me? That I may miss "the one"? And in reality, I know that if I'm not fully able to love myself, I can't love "him". I'm not stupid, I just struggle in this area so badly that I feel hopeless at times and don't know how to fix it. What a great distraction the "he's" are for me, from finding out who and what I really need. What and who I really am. I live from day to day, wondering if this is the day I will find myself. Find the me that lives freely in EVERY area of my life. Does anyone?

emotion...

God it feels good to feel again. It seems like my heart has been numb, frozen, burnt for so long that even the ache of pain, or the swelling of happiness wasn't even able... But, yesterday, I awoke with a drizzle of emotions. I can't even tell you what it was I was feeling. It just felt so damn good to finally feel again! It's been so long since I was able to put into words what floats around this mind of mine. Sometimes, I would wonder if I was going crazy. Only because words have been my outlet for so long, my release, my friend. And, it's been months. Months since my fingers have been able to press each button so lightly and my heart pours out as I type. Sometimes breathing is just easier. Getting through to the next moment is all I can do. How long can I put off what's going on along the path from my mind to my heart and from my soul to my fingers. How long can I deny myself the release? How long must I go on pretending like I am only solitaire. I don't know what's been blocking me. Maybe just denial... Maybe it's gods little way of saying find pain so you can find peace. Maybe it's my way of saying I'm going to run the show for a few minutes, until the pain is so unbearable that I just can't survive without you... can't live without you... can't even move without you. All of a sudden I'm this rush of emotions, tragedies, dramas. Will I accept them and do the next indicated thing or will I run amuck with them and live with intensity and destruction. I only want to do the right thing.

100%

when i wake in the morning...i thank god for another day at a chance to live to my "potential" 100%...i don't always do that, and the days i do, it's not always perfect...but, i know that if i loved myself as much as my god does...my <3 would always be full... when my mom passed away last year, i struggled with knowing if i could go on...but, the reality is, i've had to...i'd been living in la for 10 years, away from my kids...my family and i decided i could do it no longer...so i've moved to seattle, where i only had my sister and beth (in portland) and eventually found kim again. once again, i am struggling with where i should be...my soul yearns to live 100% and not sure if this is the place...but, for now it is and i must live 100%, one day at a time...

i will be careful who i give my heart to next time...

i will not believe the lies that seep out of their mouth... the ones that tell me i'm the one...the ones that make me believe in an unattainable future...the ones that make me feel good...feel hope... i will be careful who i believe...instead of believing the falsities of fellows claiming to know me in another life...as typical of late as it is... i will be careful who i allow to enter into my heart... next time it will be earned instead of just handed over... i will learn a lesson from this instance, just as i have, over and over and over...only a different lesson... i will believe the feeling in my soul, when it tells me to move on, to leave him behind, that no good can come of torturing my own soul to beg for his love... i will believe myself, when my self tells me i'm beautiful and need no justification for loving...me. i will... move on. i will... love again. i will... love anyways.

saving sunday....

god my heart hurts. i've tried to push this pain away so that i never have to feel it again. today i couldn't fight it. and my heart is aching. torn. broken. i've never known pain like this. this feeling of floating with no grounding...no cord holding me steady. i miss her voice. her laugh. her breathing. the feeling of having her right next to me, or in the other room. i'm broken that i can't call one more time to say " i love you mom" that i can't be smothered one more time in the chest of childhood... or brush her hair to make her happy. or eat artichokes with melted butter and movie theater popcorn... or have her tell me she loves me...over and over and over again... i miss you mom. still. always. now.

one day

will i have a day that you don't cross my mind? will i make it one day, just one day that i won't think of you and my heart aches and pleads to have you, and my soul questions what happened. why. why it had to be like this why i had to push why you had to go and why now.... you go on. go on without me and live and breathe ...not me you're breathing but you go on....without this ache. *sigh* how did it come to this? how did we go from making plans in our future.... to whispering instances of love and passion and hope to.... nothing. not even a thought. what happened.

today...

today was the hardest. i thought i was getting stronger. better. and maybe it's not even you. maybe i was just in love with the idea of you. that i thought maybe you could save me from myself? i wanted you. i wanted to become a part of you. and i believed you when you whispered the same. what a fool i must be. to long for those words to become... truth. reality. mine. and now... i'm too afraid to be anything else give anything more love again. i know somewhere...sometime... i will want to love again... i will want to give this heart away... but, right now i just want the ache to subside the pain when i think of you... to lessen... disappear i want to breathe without you creeping into my soul and taking me over... i want today... to be over.

this ache in my soul...

i can't even define it...it's not my usual angsty love lost... it's more of a saddening that i lost my friend.... which is actually worse... and i don't obsess on you i just wonder why you don't miss me or think about me i wonder how i was there everyday and then *poof* nothing *shrug* nothing. *sigh* you made me believe that there are nice guys out there i still believe this i also believe i'm not ready for nice guys as much as i'm not ready for bad boys that this is the time for me to find me again for me to become strong and able and find the strength my god gave me and find my peace i had it once... for awhile anyways *sigh* still... i miss you. and sometimes i get sad that i meant more to you in my own head than i did in yours...

i don't know who i am...

i wander on this journey... wondering if i'll ever find you... the you that finds peace the one that says... *shrug* ok...it's only a setback the one that let's her heart heal before she goes on... i wonder if you'll find her in time... if when you finally find her she'll be good enough for you or will you find that you knew her all along? feels like i've been searching and searching forever maybe i'm searching for the wrong person... maybe it's supposed to be me and not who i'm finding... maybe i'm supposed to find me...

i wish i had that switch... the one you have... that turns my love on or off anytime i feel like it that one that allows me to feel nothing for you the way you so suddenly did for me... instead my heart feels all of it... every tear scratch RIP it feels... all of it... and you go on like i never came into your life... like you didn't find me or see my name one day and remember your feelings the middle school crush i gave you... you tricked me with your self-seductive games... the one that said you were mine the one that said i was your one and you keep moving through the day as if none of it ever occurred and i never showed up unexpectedly like god didn't place us in our lives... and pretend like you forgot me.. while my eyes shed you and my soul heals slowly... once again.

in hindsight... it's much simpler than i'm going to allow myself... in my head it was this big play like romeo and juliet... but, middle school...i didn't even know you...why did i think i do now? in the beginning you were so attentive...so sure of sweeping me...and you did... and then it became less important to be there for me... like the times i missed my mom... and i would tell you...hoping you could say something peaceful... nothing... something changed..i don't know if it was me, or you or just the way it was supposed to be... but something changed... and now... my heart is hurting and my soul is crashed... and you go on... like it never happened and i never mattered... like i was a thought that crossed your mind with no understanding no comprehension of what i might mean and i'll pick up my pieces again and when all is said and done i'll be able to look back and be grateful that i'm ok... that i didn't have to spend years on you... though i wanted to spend the rest of me with you i'll always have me.

it hurts more than i care to admit... that i fell... again... but my heart isn't in a rage...that's what's different... just sad... oh, so sad.... like when you have this big dream of what you think you really really really want... and the day comes for it to be true and it falls apart... that kind of sad... but, my heart's good at making band aids... it's good at surviving torment... i think the one day it finds a true soul mate it will be the strange day... the unknown the healed... how sad that i'm used to this pain... this pain of my heart being torn in half... and the fact that i just handed my heart away put it in your hand... to do with as you want... that i trusted you... to cherish it and here i am... again... but, i'm not bitter this time... maybe that's growth... my heart is balled up... like an open wound... afraid again to love again... so i'll retreat make my escape and hope that one day... i'll trust again... love again... live.

belief...

did i really think you were going to come and sweep me off my feet forever? that the words whispered in my ear would ring true forever... that when you said love it meant the same thing my soul yearned for... that your word was something not to be reckoned with... why did i think you would or could be different.. that when you said all the little things my heart heard it meant something... why did i think you could be the one... would my one really cause me pain, and confusion...and disbelief... i'm not sure why i thought you would be something different for me that you could give me what you promised... that i thought i could love you freely without fear of being broken again... so i go back to believing that it never changes that i will always keep finding you over and over and never get a happy ending... how disappointing... how sad... how beautifully broken i am again..

who are you....

who do you think you are.... to just show up in my life...talking about who you think i am...what you think you want from me...talking about how i look,how i write...talking little lies... who do you think you are... to come into my life...and talk of love and freedom for my soul...talking about me uprooting my life, talking about a life with you...talking about us... who do you think you are... convincing me to give you me, only for you to disrespect and tease with the lies you spew from that soft mouth... you tricked me and i don't know if it's your game... but you let me fall for you... you let me trust you... only to let me down... whoever you are now, is not who you were when you fancied yourself a follower... but, you tricked me into believing i was yours... and you were mine... and now, i'm left in confusion and pain in my heart... that you brought me... that you caused me... and i no longer trust you..and the lies that tumble from your existence... because i don't even know you... and exactly what i'd known would happen.... is happening... that one day, i'd wake to find... that you were only a dream...

when will i learn...

that just because you're charming, doesn't mean i need to be charmed... that just because you look different, doesn't mean you're not the same as the last one... that just because you have beautiful prose, doesn't mean you're a poet.... that just because you look like a sheep, doesn't mean you're not a wolf... when will i learn to not give me away... that it doesn't matter, who you are...i need to stay with the only ones i trust implicitly... i wanted so badly for this to be different....something real...and in the end it's always just the same... false.... and i think i must have done something terrible in my past life, because i keep finding you, over and over... it doesn't even matter the you... just that it's you... except i had hoped this you...would be different... would mean what he said and said what he meant... that when you spewed flawless syllables of love... perhaps it was real... that my heart had found it's mate and would finally fit... where it belonged... and how sadly i was mistaken... sadly... because you're never who you appear to be.... ever.