saving sunday....

god my heart hurts. i've tried to push this pain away so that i never have to feel it again. today i couldn't fight it. and my heart is aching. torn. broken. i've never known pain like this. this feeling of floating with no grounding...no cord holding me steady. i miss her voice. her laugh. her breathing. the feeling of having her right next to me, or in the other room. i'm broken that i can't call one more time to say " i love you mom" that i can't be smothered one more time in the chest of childhood... or brush her hair to make her happy. or eat artichokes with melted butter and movie theater popcorn... or have her tell me she loves me...over and over and over again... i miss you mom. still. always. now.

one day

will i have a day that you don't cross my mind? will i make it one day, just one day that i won't think of you and my heart aches and pleads to have you, and my soul questions what happened. why. why it had to be like this why i had to push why you had to go and why now.... you go on. go on without me and live and breathe ...not me you're breathing but you go on....without this ache. *sigh* how did it come to this? how did we go from making plans in our future.... to whispering instances of love and passion and hope to.... nothing. not even a thought. what happened.

today...

today was the hardest. i thought i was getting stronger. better. and maybe it's not even you. maybe i was just in love with the idea of you. that i thought maybe you could save me from myself? i wanted you. i wanted to become a part of you. and i believed you when you whispered the same. what a fool i must be. to long for those words to become... truth. reality. mine. and now... i'm too afraid to be anything else give anything more love again. i know somewhere...sometime... i will want to love again... i will want to give this heart away... but, right now i just want the ache to subside the pain when i think of you... to lessen... disappear i want to breathe without you creeping into my soul and taking me over... i want today... to be over.

this ache in my soul...

i can't even define it...it's not my usual angsty love lost... it's more of a saddening that i lost my friend.... which is actually worse... and i don't obsess on you i just wonder why you don't miss me or think about me i wonder how i was there everyday and then *poof* nothing *shrug* nothing. *sigh* you made me believe that there are nice guys out there i still believe this i also believe i'm not ready for nice guys as much as i'm not ready for bad boys that this is the time for me to find me again for me to become strong and able and find the strength my god gave me and find my peace i had it once... for awhile anyways *sigh* still... i miss you. and sometimes i get sad that i meant more to you in my own head than i did in yours...

i don't know who i am...

i wander on this journey... wondering if i'll ever find you... the you that finds peace the one that says... *shrug* ok...it's only a setback the one that let's her heart heal before she goes on... i wonder if you'll find her in time... if when you finally find her she'll be good enough for you or will you find that you knew her all along? feels like i've been searching and searching forever maybe i'm searching for the wrong person... maybe it's supposed to be me and not who i'm finding... maybe i'm supposed to find me...

i wish i had that switch... the one you have... that turns my love on or off anytime i feel like it that one that allows me to feel nothing for you the way you so suddenly did for me... instead my heart feels all of it... every tear scratch RIP it feels... all of it... and you go on like i never came into your life... like you didn't find me or see my name one day and remember your feelings the middle school crush i gave you... you tricked me with your self-seductive games... the one that said you were mine the one that said i was your one and you keep moving through the day as if none of it ever occurred and i never showed up unexpectedly like god didn't place us in our lives... and pretend like you forgot me.. while my eyes shed you and my soul heals slowly... once again.

in hindsight... it's much simpler than i'm going to allow myself... in my head it was this big play like romeo and juliet... but, middle school...i didn't even know you...why did i think i do now? in the beginning you were so attentive...so sure of sweeping me...and you did... and then it became less important to be there for me... like the times i missed my mom... and i would tell you...hoping you could say something peaceful... nothing... something changed..i don't know if it was me, or you or just the way it was supposed to be... but something changed... and now... my heart is hurting and my soul is crashed... and you go on... like it never happened and i never mattered... like i was a thought that crossed your mind with no understanding no comprehension of what i might mean and i'll pick up my pieces again and when all is said and done i'll be able to look back and be grateful that i'm ok... that i didn't have to spend years on you... though i wanted to spend the rest of me with you i'll always have me.

it hurts more than i care to admit... that i fell... again... but my heart isn't in a rage...that's what's different... just sad... oh, so sad.... like when you have this big dream of what you think you really really really want... and the day comes for it to be true and it falls apart... that kind of sad... but, my heart's good at making band aids... it's good at surviving torment... i think the one day it finds a true soul mate it will be the strange day... the unknown the healed... how sad that i'm used to this pain... this pain of my heart being torn in half... and the fact that i just handed my heart away put it in your hand... to do with as you want... that i trusted you... to cherish it and here i am... again... but, i'm not bitter this time... maybe that's growth... my heart is balled up... like an open wound... afraid again to love again... so i'll retreat make my escape and hope that one day... i'll trust again... love again... live.

belief...

did i really think you were going to come and sweep me off my feet forever? that the words whispered in my ear would ring true forever... that when you said love it meant the same thing my soul yearned for... that your word was something not to be reckoned with... why did i think you would or could be different.. that when you said all the little things my heart heard it meant something... why did i think you could be the one... would my one really cause me pain, and confusion...and disbelief... i'm not sure why i thought you would be something different for me that you could give me what you promised... that i thought i could love you freely without fear of being broken again... so i go back to believing that it never changes that i will always keep finding you over and over and never get a happy ending... how disappointing... how sad... how beautifully broken i am again..

who are you....

who do you think you are.... to just show up in my life...talking about who you think i am...what you think you want from me...talking about how i look,how i write...talking little lies... who do you think you are... to come into my life...and talk of love and freedom for my soul...talking about me uprooting my life, talking about a life with you...talking about us... who do you think you are... convincing me to give you me, only for you to disrespect and tease with the lies you spew from that soft mouth... you tricked me and i don't know if it's your game... but you let me fall for you... you let me trust you... only to let me down... whoever you are now, is not who you were when you fancied yourself a follower... but, you tricked me into believing i was yours... and you were mine... and now, i'm left in confusion and pain in my heart... that you brought me... that you caused me... and i no longer trust you..and the lies that tumble from your existence... because i don't even know you... and exactly what i'd known would happen.... is happening... that one day, i'd wake to find... that you were only a dream...