are these really mine?

There are some moments I close my eyes, and imagine that I didn't live the life I've just passed through, the one I'm living, the one I'm getting by in. I imagine it's a TV show, or maybe a real life tragedy, just one that someone else has gone through. The ebbs and the flows of this life I imagine are lived by someone with more strength than I, someone with more peace. I imagine a queen, fighting disaster along the way, with pride and confidence and the ability to walk through courageously. I imagine a man, so full of peace, the little things haven't squashed this mans soul, that he carries serenity like the wafting of a musky oil, sensual and familiar. I imagine a child, so innocent, so free, so *sigh*. But, I can't ever imagine me. I can't see me living this life I open my eyes to. I can't imagine that I've walked through it, though my head may not have been held high majority, if only for portions. I can't imagine that to this day, I've survived to tell the truth. My only truth. The truth I can only imagine.

little pieces of me...

I don't know where to start. As usual, for you, I'm at a loss for words. How do I say I'm sorry to you, without actually saying I'm sorry, and stopping the behavior that I've only known when it comes to you? How do I show you how much I truly love you and want you to have everything you deserve and so should enjoy? How do I treat you with respect and expect others to do the same when I just don't know how, when it feels so wrong to feel right.... How do I learn to love you, truly love you as though I've never loved anyone more importantly, when you've always come second, or even last sometimes..... How do I get back to what I'm supposed to know, inherently know.... How do I go from nothing to fullness and give you my all, my commitment, my life! How did I ever let go of loving you? How?

pieces of my soul...

Why is I think I deserve less than the next girl? Would I allow someone to treat my own daughter this way? No. Why have I given up my standards for his own enjoyment... Letting go sounds so simple and I have done it over and over and yet, I always fall prey to my own belief that if I just push a little more, give a little bit more of myself, let go of... me... that he'll see how great it can be. What a fool! If one of my friends did this over and over to herself, I'd reprimand and criticize! "what a fool you are, woman!" Then why, why, why do I do it to myself. Allow me to give pieces of my soul away... a little bit at a time. What am I so afraid of? That he won't come back? That he won't like me? That I may miss "the one"? And in reality, I know that if I'm not fully able to love myself, I can't love "him". I'm not stupid, I just struggle in this area so badly that I feel hopeless at times and don't know how to fix it. What a great distraction the "he's" are for me, from finding out who and what I really need. What and who I really am. I live from day to day, wondering if this is the day I will find myself. Find the me that lives freely in EVERY area of my life. Does anyone?

emotion...

God it feels good to feel again. It seems like my heart has been numb, frozen, burnt for so long that even the ache of pain, or the swelling of happiness wasn't even able... But, yesterday, I awoke with a drizzle of emotions. I can't even tell you what it was I was feeling. It just felt so damn good to finally feel again! It's been so long since I was able to put into words what floats around this mind of mine. Sometimes, I would wonder if I was going crazy. Only because words have been my outlet for so long, my release, my friend. And, it's been months. Months since my fingers have been able to press each button so lightly and my heart pours out as I type. Sometimes breathing is just easier. Getting through to the next moment is all I can do. How long can I put off what's going on along the path from my mind to my heart and from my soul to my fingers. How long can I deny myself the release? How long must I go on pretending like I am only solitaire. I don't know what's been blocking me. Maybe just denial... Maybe it's gods little way of saying find pain so you can find peace. Maybe it's my way of saying I'm going to run the show for a few minutes, until the pain is so unbearable that I just can't survive without you... can't live without you... can't even move without you. All of a sudden I'm this rush of emotions, tragedies, dramas. Will I accept them and do the next indicated thing or will I run amuck with them and live with intensity and destruction. I only want to do the right thing.

100%

when i wake in the morning...i thank god for another day at a chance to live to my "potential" 100%...i don't always do that, and the days i do, it's not always perfect...but, i know that if i loved myself as much as my god does...my <3 would always be full... when my mom passed away last year, i struggled with knowing if i could go on...but, the reality is, i've had to...i'd been living in la for 10 years, away from my kids...my family and i decided i could do it no longer...so i've moved to seattle, where i only had my sister and beth (in portland) and eventually found kim again. once again, i am struggling with where i should be...my soul yearns to live 100% and not sure if this is the place...but, for now it is and i must live 100%, one day at a time...

i will be careful who i give my heart to next time...

i will not believe the lies that seep out of their mouth... the ones that tell me i'm the one...the ones that make me believe in an unattainable future...the ones that make me feel good...feel hope... i will be careful who i believe...instead of believing the falsities of fellows claiming to know me in another life...as typical of late as it is... i will be careful who i allow to enter into my heart... next time it will be earned instead of just handed over... i will learn a lesson from this instance, just as i have, over and over and over...only a different lesson... i will believe the feeling in my soul, when it tells me to move on, to leave him behind, that no good can come of torturing my own soul to beg for his love... i will believe myself, when my self tells me i'm beautiful and need no justification for loving...me. i will... move on. i will... love again. i will... love anyways.

saving sunday....

god my heart hurts. i've tried to push this pain away so that i never have to feel it again. today i couldn't fight it. and my heart is aching. torn. broken. i've never known pain like this. this feeling of floating with no grounding...no cord holding me steady. i miss her voice. her laugh. her breathing. the feeling of having her right next to me, or in the other room. i'm broken that i can't call one more time to say " i love you mom" that i can't be smothered one more time in the chest of childhood... or brush her hair to make her happy. or eat artichokes with melted butter and movie theater popcorn... or have her tell me she loves me...over and over and over again... i miss you mom. still. always. now.

one day

will i have a day that you don't cross my mind? will i make it one day, just one day that i won't think of you and my heart aches and pleads to have you, and my soul questions what happened. why. why it had to be like this why i had to push why you had to go and why now.... you go on. go on without me and live and breathe ...not me you're breathing but you go on....without this ache. *sigh* how did it come to this? how did we go from making plans in our future.... to whispering instances of love and passion and hope to.... nothing. not even a thought. what happened.

today...

today was the hardest. i thought i was getting stronger. better. and maybe it's not even you. maybe i was just in love with the idea of you. that i thought maybe you could save me from myself? i wanted you. i wanted to become a part of you. and i believed you when you whispered the same. what a fool i must be. to long for those words to become... truth. reality. mine. and now... i'm too afraid to be anything else give anything more love again. i know somewhere...sometime... i will want to love again... i will want to give this heart away... but, right now i just want the ache to subside the pain when i think of you... to lessen... disappear i want to breathe without you creeping into my soul and taking me over... i want today... to be over.

this ache in my soul...

i can't even define it...it's not my usual angsty love lost... it's more of a saddening that i lost my friend.... which is actually worse... and i don't obsess on you i just wonder why you don't miss me or think about me i wonder how i was there everyday and then *poof* nothing *shrug* nothing. *sigh* you made me believe that there are nice guys out there i still believe this i also believe i'm not ready for nice guys as much as i'm not ready for bad boys that this is the time for me to find me again for me to become strong and able and find the strength my god gave me and find my peace i had it once... for awhile anyways *sigh* still... i miss you. and sometimes i get sad that i meant more to you in my own head than i did in yours...