my tortured soul...

god, today is the day... the day my tortured soul leaks into the world.... but, i'm keeping her hidden from you... so afraid to release her into your world... i warned you... so...i just stay away from calling you...even texting you... because she will say things..write things that will make you question all you have come to love... she will accuse you and hold you so tight you'll feel the need to escape... it's better for me to hold her back... especially with my heart breaking today... and she's so unusual and only comes so often that it's probably best for her to hide... how contrary that today instead of hiding under the blanket or calling you and crying these tears that beg me to escape... that i would call a friend and choose to stay busy and not think about all that is running in this head... that instead of wallowing in the pain of loneliness... i would choose to surround myself with love and compassion... that instead of pushing you away...because i so desperately want it to be different with YOU.... WOW how can this be...who am i becoming...why is it YOU i want it to be different with? you do something to me...to my soul...to my being... how can i want to hide this person that only comes out so often and growls at the people that only care... who are you to come into my life unassuming....wanting to know me... to know EVERYTHING about me....and just walk into my life and envelope me in this blanket of safe feeling...you make me think about things i've never welcomed into my life...possibilities that confuse me....i woke this morning... questioning if this is who i am...the me before you or after you...who are you... you've come into my life...i don't even know you and yet, i feel like i've known you my whole life....like i can close my eyes and see into yours, without opening them... like you know me....just know me.... and my head is spinning as i sit here...writing these little secrets of my soul....not knowing if you'll ever even know these things i feel about you...but, know you just know...without the words escaping my lips...because you fit so well into my soul without having to transform...and then i get sad...because i wonder why my god thought i should live without you for so long...why i'll only have the time i will with you...however long or short....instead of being grateful that i get you at all... *sigh* god, i wish my head would just shut up.... i don't want to be too much for you...too much too soon...i don't want you to fall out of infatuation with me, because i've fallen in with you...and a part of me wonders if i'll be able to survive if my heart gets broken...and why do i even go there.... time to reel her back into her secret place of existence.... and wait it out till next month....