you...

i sat in this meeting today.... and as i sat there i became completely aware of where i am in my life... on this jorney i've been trudging for the last almost year... knowing it will never end, and at the same time, knowing it has barely started too... i don't know who you are...or where you came from....my god, i may wake one day and not even like you...or you may realize one day...you don't like me...but, in the meantime, as i'm sitting in this meeting, watching these great little old ladies, completely enjoying their life, i realized that's what i want.... i want you...i want to enjoy you... i thought about the time that i won't have to go ONE day without touching you...smelling you...feeling you in the presence of my life...i know you're there now...i know you are...but i want to be in your presence and i'm not talking like stalker all the time kind...but the kind that i get to kiss you goodbye in the morning and know that you're coming home to me at the end of the day...that i will be excited to see you at the end of the day...that you will be excited to see me... i also sat in this meeting...and somehow felt secure in you...in who you give me...in who i give you...i felt this peace...like i didn't HAVE to be anything other than what you want...i don't have to be prettier, blonder, thinner, funnier, quieter...any of it...i felt this calmness in my soul that i am who you want... god, this probably sounds ridiculous....but, for the first time in my life....i felt enough... *sigh* i felt like, i don't have to play games, there is no games played with me, i don't feel afraid that when you're with me you'll be disappointed or that i'll be with you...that when i finally breathe you, you'll take my breath away, yet fill me too..... i know that my mom sees you, me, us...and i also feel her positive energy at what is happening between us....and if you knew my mom, you'd see the thumbs up, big smile i see....i miss that i can't call her and tell her how excited i am...that i've met this man i somehow knew in another life...that god is bringing us together again, for whatever purpose he has in mind for us....and that for the first time in my life i just feel enough...i don't question any of it...i just am....and it's good....it's a good feeling... i miss that she won't be able to be a part of any of it... of my future with you... inadvertantly she will yes...but not the physical...and i miss her telling me the little treasures she would tell me...like "men are like buses, one shows every ten minutes..." haha or her favorite...i don't need a man....as if she didn't....lol i can still remember when she brought my step dad home...and she fell in love with this man i thought was all wrong...mainly because he wasn't my dad...and later in my life...all i wanted was a man like him in my life...he loved her sooo much...he worshipped her and would've kissed the ground she walked on, yet held his ground in his beliefs...and my mom was a very overpowering woman...but, he was so gentle with her and so good to each other...and that's all i wanted...was to find my equal, opposite...my quiet to my obnoxious....calm to my anxious...adore and be adored... and here i am.... i think i secretly wished for you.... my whole life... even when i told people i didn't believe in love...i hoped you'd come along... you amaze me...that you are all those things i wished for... and you give me hope.... <3