and here it is....

i'm not sure what it is i'm feeling.... i've felt numbness and pain for so long, that now this feeling inside is a confused feeling... yet, a good feeling... who are you... where did you come from....and why did he want you to come to me now...i'm afraid, but not afraid of you...afraid of me...of the uncertainty i could have for you... what if i love you...what if i want to be with you...what if it makes me question evedrything i think i know...and what if none of that happens... i don't know how to love half way, i don't know how to just be... so i choose to not be.... and i don't want that either... i want to find the middle ground...like knowing is good enough.... but, my heart tells me to go for it... my head tells me to back up... and my body yearns for you...in a way i can't remember it feeling before... in a way that tells me...it will be good... and so...i keep spinning... like top, not sure of where i'll land... i don't want to hang onto my past and make you pay for it... i want an experience that i'll likely learn and love... i want something new and exciting and wanting and different... i want to hear love whispered in my ear... love letters to read... flowers to smell... hands to hold... lips to linger on... i want to know that you're there... even when i can't see you... feel your presence when i'm in the other room... i don't even know you...why do i feel this... why does engaging with you make me feel alive again... like i can live my life over again...it's very nostalgic and fun for me... and exciting and unafraid and new... it all feels new again... and refreshing... and something i want. i want you... and i want to have new experiences with you... and new feelings... or remembrance of feelings. i'm ready...