and i'm scared... i'm starting to feel my heart tense and my soul get uneasy... i'm afraid. the day will come and i'll be alone... i woke this morning, sweat-soaked and full of fear... and the realization that you are gone hit me... hit me like a ton of bricks... and the selfishness surrounded me once more... i have so much i want to share with you... so much i want you to know... there's so much happening without you.... and it's not fair... and we go on... and i live my life... and i breathe and i feel pain with every breathe... because you are gone... and you should be here... you weren't supposed to go before i find peace. you're supposed to be here to witness it... you're supposed to be here to wear your mom dress to my wedding...drinking your beer... swaying back and forth... laughing... that enormous laugh you laugh! god, i miss that laugh... i miss you... and lately, you're all i think about...so i think about him more...just to not have to feel the pain... which is so unfair to him... i only want to think good thoughts when it comes to him... innocent thoughts...not contrived because of pain... and i'm falling for him, as you know... and i can see you with you thumbs up and that big smile... because you know he's good....and he adores me...the way... you've been adored... but, i want to share this with you... in person... and i'm scared...what if i can't be who he thinks i am... i keep thinking i'll call you for advice and you'll give me the sarcastic version of what you think i should do... and then you'll cackle or cut into your god words... which i miss more than anything... i close my eyes and all i see is you... who you've been my whole life...and i miss you mom god, i miss you... and i'm scared...will i get though this coming day... with grace and dignity or will i fall apart at the seams... and give it all up... everything that's in store for my future... i so badly just want to hug you one more time... look down at that bed and whisper i love you just once... i want to touch your forehead and wipe the hair away and kiss your cheek, smelling that lingering smell of you... i want to know that you're here with me... no matter what...that you'll always be here... watching... supervising... loving...
Sunday, April 5, 2009
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God Rachel, this made me bawl like a baby. Your mom was such an awesome and loving lady. I relate to this post in so many ways. My mom died only a couple months before yours, and they were friends...for a long time. I have the same thoughts and emotions as you on a daily basis, and the only thing that gets me through it is my own mom. I grew up knowing your mom and I can hear the same laugh you described here. I am totally here for you if you ever need it. I know I didn't know you really, you were older than Katy and I so I only saw you here and there, but I get it. If you ever need to talk to someone other than too your blog, I'll be there.
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