today...

i woke up this morning, with no fear... no fear of today... of tomorrow... of me... of you... only calmness in my heart... i got on my knees and thanked him for today... another day... another chance... i prayed for guidance in all i do... that i stay on his path today and not veer to my own... i prayed for you... for your higher good... that only goodness come to you... for you... i prayed that i don't get in the way of his plan... like i always do... i got up from my knees...still in my pajamas... and went into the bathroom to wash my face... and i looked in the mirror... and i swear for the first time in soooo long... i saw what you see... i looked into my eyes and into my own soul and breathed... and there i was... free and beautiful and hopeful... a mystery, yet, open wide... my heart full of hope... yet, so broken... but healing... i looked at the shape of my eyes... the little gold flecks surrounded by hazel... and could see the light glimmer off them... full of tears.... full of hope... i closed my eyes, but i could see it ALL! even with them closed.... i could see everything inside me... i could hear everything everyone has ever said... that i never believed... and for the first time, i felt belief... and not in an ego way... but, a kind and loving way... and i felt like a queen...

it's almost....

that time... the time my life started over... that i was given new life... that i was deemed worthy to try again... this time, i'm alone... yet, not alone... alive.... and living... i remember on march 21, 2007 all i wanted was to not take another breath... all i wanted was the pain to stop... to be given either darkness or light.... one or the other.... and i was given light... the breathed new life into my soul... held my hand... loved me until i could love me... again.... my god, what a ride the last 2 years have been... and it's just beginning.... and i ask my god, everyday to show me the road he wants me to be on.... because sometimes i veer, i go off on my own... causing me enough pain... to want to be on his path.... get back to him.... know his plan for me... do his will....not mine.... to do my own is always painful...and tedious.... but, i've learned lessons...i've been given experiences... that others may never have to go through... because i did... and i want to live 100%.... from this day forward... not knowing what's in store... but unafraid... and full of faith...

i'm realizing as i write this...

that there is no pain associated with you.... that you are showing me what i deserve... that i feel with you...what i should always feel... that i don't have to be afraid with you... i can't even describe what i'm feeling in any words that could come out coherent... how does that happen...you leave me speechless... and yet, becuase of what my heart and head says... i want to say everything that comes out of my mouth... my head...my heart... but what if it's too much... so i just write it...just to get it out... when the words get trapped in me...it's too much... i don't feel pain today... i don't feel sadness... and i know it's from the work i've done with my god... and my sponsor... and me... that the tears i've released forever... have been cleansing my soul... but, my god... that i don't feel pain today... that i can think of my mother, my kids...my past... and not feel pain settling on my heart... what a relief... and i think you've helped me... you give me permission to release it... not that i need your permission... but, you show me that you love what comes out... and *sigh* you're the only one that gets me... that feels what i feel... hears what i hear... hears what i'm saying... and knows what i know... how is that ... where have you been... forever. and you come along now... and it makes me question me all over again... what it is i think i want... and where i think i want to be... in my life... and maybe... you give me a little freedom... to be me...as a woman... as a person... that i didn't give myself before you... how is it he always puts people in my life when i'm least expecting it... usually in times of need it's a new woman... to remind me of my primary purpose... and this time... it's you... to remind me... of me. it's you... i'm glad it's you...

and here it is....

i'm not sure what it is i'm feeling.... i've felt numbness and pain for so long, that now this feeling inside is a confused feeling... yet, a good feeling... who are you... where did you come from....and why did he want you to come to me now...i'm afraid, but not afraid of you...afraid of me...of the uncertainty i could have for you... what if i love you...what if i want to be with you...what if it makes me question evedrything i think i know...and what if none of that happens... i don't know how to love half way, i don't know how to just be... so i choose to not be.... and i don't want that either... i want to find the middle ground...like knowing is good enough.... but, my heart tells me to go for it... my head tells me to back up... and my body yearns for you...in a way i can't remember it feeling before... in a way that tells me...it will be good... and so...i keep spinning... like top, not sure of where i'll land... i don't want to hang onto my past and make you pay for it... i want an experience that i'll likely learn and love... i want something new and exciting and wanting and different... i want to hear love whispered in my ear... love letters to read... flowers to smell... hands to hold... lips to linger on... i want to know that you're there... even when i can't see you... feel your presence when i'm in the other room... i don't even know you...why do i feel this... why does engaging with you make me feel alive again... like i can live my life over again...it's very nostalgic and fun for me... and exciting and unafraid and new... it all feels new again... and refreshing... and something i want. i want you... and i want to have new experiences with you... and new feelings... or remembrance of feelings. i'm ready...

why...

is it that sometimes i have to lie to myself to believe the bullshit...that an excuse sounds better than the truth.

and what would the truth be? oh my, what if the truth is so potentially self-incriminating, so self-disgusting that i actually have to look at the deep inner root that keeps blocking me from the REAL truth.

*sigh*

what if i'm afraid. what if i can't let him have it all...what if i live the rest of my life giving it and taking it back, what if i live a life of unsatisfaction and keep searching for the rest of my life. what if i stay in fear for ever. and ever.

what if i think i'm this wretched thing forever, unable to be loved and looked upon...

what if i never believe what they tell me when they say i'm beautiful and loveable and worthy.

what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if.

what if....i never get past what if.

and right now, i'm too afraid to go further, to believe the lies, the pity, the shadow i've cast upon myself.

the self-doubt that lines my soul aches for something real...something like love. yet, it pushes away anything resembling it...it is in constant fear of being ripped out, torn, and shredded to pieces....

The only feelings this soul carries are pain and heartache and yearns for something else.

something satisfactory inside...

And, the experience of self and of others, says it will come...in his time. not mine. but, i'm tired of my heart hurting. now. not in his time.

but, what i do to make it feel better. doesn't. it carries me farther and farther away. to a place of no feelings at all.

and that's even more frightening, like walking into a dark room with my hands out, searching for the light switch and my heart beating a million beats per second...and i can't breathe until my fingertip slides over the plate...but even once the light's on, my heart keeps pounding from the fear. until i believe that the light is going to be staying on...only then does my heart calm and i can breathe.

right now...my heart is still pounding from the fear.

until once again i believe.

*sigh*

F this.

http://joy2meu.com/letting_go.html

Sonnet XI

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair. Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets. Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps. I hunger for your sleek laugh, your hands the color of a savage harvest, hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails, I want to eat your skin like a whole almond. I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body, the sovereign nose of your arrogant face, I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes, and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight, hunting for you, for your hot heart, like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue. Pablo Neruda

as for....today...

sitting here, checking email, of course myspacin it, about to get off and get the day started with the most beautiful girl in the world....and I hit play to a song that one of my "friends" added to his page... i haven't heard a song in awhile that has affected my soul in this way... listening it, i can feel my mom, i can feel her arms around me, i can feel her chest rise and fall with everybreath, the way she'd stand and rock back and forth on her feet, i can see her smile and clap to the beat...*sigh* and though it makes me sad, profoundly sad, that i don't get to hug her and kiss her and wrap my arms around her...i am comforted by the fact that she is with him...and that she's still loving me and honoring me with her presence in little ways like this... i am reminded of a time when i would sit behind her and brush her hair, rub her shoulders and she'd act like i was the best hair brusher in the world! she would be sooo animated in her love and excitement that i was so special in that moment and felt secure in that.... i've tried really hard these last few weeks to just go on, to try not to feel what is just under the surface, just fighting it. and today, i'm crumbled, broken, cracked. my heart hurts and i miss you. and the confusion is setting in... so, i'll listen to it one more time, wash my face, cry in the shower and go on with my day...i AM blessed that i get to spend the day with the most beautiful girl in the world and give her all the love i have left... thank you for that... http://www.myspace.com/jonforeman #5

here we go...

well! I made it to my destination.... I guess it's been awhile since I've been on here...So much happening... and just haven't felt like i could put the pen to paper for the words dancing in my mind.....*sigh* and here i am... living the dream I wanted...and it feels good. Nothing is quite settled, I'm going to be going back and forth between 3 states in the next 3 months, I can't find a permanent job until January, I have no $, no local friends, nothing "permanent"...but, MY GOD, my soul feels calm and full and....HOME. *sigh* how odd. and I don't feel like I should be anywhere else, or like I need to be in a hurry, or like I need more... for the first time, in so so so long. thank you.

well....

today everyone knows... today's the day that sets my life on a roll... one week from thursday, I will be driving up the coast, exploring my life and the surroundings of strangers all around...on my way...home. how strange to say home. but, i'm ready... i don't know where my path is going to lead me, but i want the journey, i'm ready to seek, and then may find. and i'm bringing my mom. she will ride with me. guiding me on this turn and that, and then we'll see what's next. i'm trying to keep opinions to a minimum, why am i so afraid of what they'll think? why can't i just be happy with my own opinion? trust my own instinct? maybe someday i will.