i wish i had that switch... the one you have... that turns my love on or off anytime i feel like it that one that allows me to feel nothing for you the way you so suddenly did for me... instead my heart feels all of it... every tear scratch RIP it feels... all of it... and you go on like i never came into your life... like you didn't find me or see my name one day and remember your feelings the middle school crush i gave you... you tricked me with your self-seductive games... the one that said you were mine the one that said i was your one and you keep moving through the day as if none of it ever occurred and i never showed up unexpectedly like god didn't place us in our lives... and pretend like you forgot me.. while my eyes shed you and my soul heals slowly... once again.

in hindsight... it's much simpler than i'm going to allow myself... in my head it was this big play like romeo and juliet... but, middle school...i didn't even know you...why did i think i do now? in the beginning you were so attentive...so sure of sweeping me...and you did... and then it became less important to be there for me... like the times i missed my mom... and i would tell you...hoping you could say something peaceful... nothing... something changed..i don't know if it was me, or you or just the way it was supposed to be... but something changed... and now... my heart is hurting and my soul is crashed... and you go on... like it never happened and i never mattered... like i was a thought that crossed your mind with no understanding no comprehension of what i might mean and i'll pick up my pieces again and when all is said and done i'll be able to look back and be grateful that i'm ok... that i didn't have to spend years on you... though i wanted to spend the rest of me with you i'll always have me.

it hurts more than i care to admit... that i fell... again... but my heart isn't in a rage...that's what's different... just sad... oh, so sad.... like when you have this big dream of what you think you really really really want... and the day comes for it to be true and it falls apart... that kind of sad... but, my heart's good at making band aids... it's good at surviving torment... i think the one day it finds a true soul mate it will be the strange day... the unknown the healed... how sad that i'm used to this pain... this pain of my heart being torn in half... and the fact that i just handed my heart away put it in your hand... to do with as you want... that i trusted you... to cherish it and here i am... again... but, i'm not bitter this time... maybe that's growth... my heart is balled up... like an open wound... afraid again to love again... so i'll retreat make my escape and hope that one day... i'll trust again... love again... live.

belief...

did i really think you were going to come and sweep me off my feet forever? that the words whispered in my ear would ring true forever... that when you said love it meant the same thing my soul yearned for... that your word was something not to be reckoned with... why did i think you would or could be different.. that when you said all the little things my heart heard it meant something... why did i think you could be the one... would my one really cause me pain, and confusion...and disbelief... i'm not sure why i thought you would be something different for me that you could give me what you promised... that i thought i could love you freely without fear of being broken again... so i go back to believing that it never changes that i will always keep finding you over and over and never get a happy ending... how disappointing... how sad... how beautifully broken i am again..

who are you....

who do you think you are.... to just show up in my life...talking about who you think i am...what you think you want from me...talking about how i look,how i write...talking little lies... who do you think you are... to come into my life...and talk of love and freedom for my soul...talking about me uprooting my life, talking about a life with you...talking about us... who do you think you are... convincing me to give you me, only for you to disrespect and tease with the lies you spew from that soft mouth... you tricked me and i don't know if it's your game... but you let me fall for you... you let me trust you... only to let me down... whoever you are now, is not who you were when you fancied yourself a follower... but, you tricked me into believing i was yours... and you were mine... and now, i'm left in confusion and pain in my heart... that you brought me... that you caused me... and i no longer trust you..and the lies that tumble from your existence... because i don't even know you... and exactly what i'd known would happen.... is happening... that one day, i'd wake to find... that you were only a dream...

when will i learn...

that just because you're charming, doesn't mean i need to be charmed... that just because you look different, doesn't mean you're not the same as the last one... that just because you have beautiful prose, doesn't mean you're a poet.... that just because you look like a sheep, doesn't mean you're not a wolf... when will i learn to not give me away... that it doesn't matter, who you are...i need to stay with the only ones i trust implicitly... i wanted so badly for this to be different....something real...and in the end it's always just the same... false.... and i think i must have done something terrible in my past life, because i keep finding you, over and over... it doesn't even matter the you... just that it's you... except i had hoped this you...would be different... would mean what he said and said what he meant... that when you spewed flawless syllables of love... perhaps it was real... that my heart had found it's mate and would finally fit... where it belonged... and how sadly i was mistaken... sadly... because you're never who you appear to be.... ever.

how do they always know....

before me... my friends.... get red flags before i do... how do i go one week feeling full of love.... to the next full of confusion... how does that happen.... adored to not adored in a matter of seconds... and how do i always find you... will it always be YOU.... the same...but with a different name? why do i keep living this lesson over and over... and than i feel like just a fool... letting it go this long without seeing it for what it is... me giving and not receiving... and i'm used to it...but, i shouldn't be... all i want is for one guy to be about me... not in an obsessive or controlling way... just the way that i am into him... and i wonder every time it ends like this... will i ever find that? and in the meantime, i keep going through the same over and over and i'm tired... i'd rather be alone.

i feel brand new with you...

like i've never loved... how can that be? how can this all feel this new... like i've never given me away like this... a little at a time...piece by piece... like all i want is to know you.. what makes you tick... what you like... what you love... and i want you to love me... to grow to know me.... and love me anyways... and yet... even yesterday... my heart filled with fear... so afraid of what's in store... what if's... what if i give too much... and get hurt... or give too much and don't get loved back.... and the thought of running crossed my mind... like it was a solution to this feeling of love i'm feeling... but, i'm comfortable with you... like i've known you....always... but, i yearn for you...to be with you... to spend my life with you.... even though i have forever.... i want right now... and i feel brand new with you... and this is so much harder than i ever thought it would be... how easy it is to just say come... come to me... be with me... and to want it... but cant... i've never felt this feeling of wanting like i do with you... so far away and wanting you... i've never down this, i've never loved someone i couldn't have now.. somedays... my heart aches for you to the point of pain... a good pain, but still pain... and others i just feel contentment in the knowing that you're here... in my heart... with me.... but i want to be able to look you in the eye you see into my soul what i feel for you... my words... they're superfluous of my thoughts... but, my soul is what carries you... and gets me through.... *sigh* breathing... you... newness....

why is it always so difficult...

or me to write about happiness and love... i never seem to have a problem writing when my heart is ripped out and torn apart... but, give me someone that treats me well and digs me with no expectations and i can't get my head and hands to connect... yet...all day beautiful thoughts and ideas pass my through my head and my heart... yearnings for you...desires...twinklings of beauty.... i know it's in there...and slowly it's showing itself... for the first time it feels safe to write about love... and the calmness it's bringing into my soul... i'm getting right... perhaps that's it... perhaps it's that you soothe me with your gentle words of comfort and security... i'm enjoying being able to express the love as well as the pain though....

the day is coming...

and i'm scared... i'm starting to feel my heart tense and my soul get uneasy... i'm afraid. the day will come and i'll be alone... i woke this morning, sweat-soaked and full of fear... and the realization that you are gone hit me... hit me like a ton of bricks... and the selfishness surrounded me once more... i have so much i want to share with you... so much i want you to know... there's so much happening without you.... and it's not fair... and we go on... and i live my life... and i breathe and i feel pain with every breathe... because you are gone... and you should be here... you weren't supposed to go before i find peace. you're supposed to be here to witness it... you're supposed to be here to wear your mom dress to my wedding...drinking your beer... swaying back and forth... laughing... that enormous laugh you laugh! god, i miss that laugh... i miss you... and lately, you're all i think about...so i think about him more...just to not have to feel the pain... which is so unfair to him... i only want to think good thoughts when it comes to him... innocent thoughts...not contrived because of pain... and i'm falling for him, as you know... and i can see you with you thumbs up and that big smile... because you know he's good....and he adores me...the way... you've been adored... but, i want to share this with you... in person... and i'm scared...what if i can't be who he thinks i am... i keep thinking i'll call you for advice and you'll give me the sarcastic version of what you think i should do... and then you'll cackle or cut into your god words... which i miss more than anything... i close my eyes and all i see is you... who you've been my whole life...and i miss you mom god, i miss you... and i'm scared...will i get though this coming day... with grace and dignity or will i fall apart at the seams... and give it all up... everything that's in store for my future... i so badly just want to hug you one more time... look down at that bed and whisper i love you just once... i want to touch your forehead and wipe the hair away and kiss your cheek, smelling that lingering smell of you... i want to know that you're here with me... no matter what...that you'll always be here... watching... supervising... loving...